


Golden Child

by isuckatnicknames



Category: Emigrate (Band), Rammstein
Genre: Alternate Universe, Anal Fingering, Anal Sex, Depression, Drug Use, Emotional Manipulation, Emotional Roller Coaster, First Time, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Oral Sex, Swearing, almost done, he might die - you decide, we got into heavy stuff
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-06-16
Updated: 2017-11-30
Packaged: 2018-07-15 11:52:19
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 13
Words: 38,459
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7221301
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/isuckatnicknames/pseuds/isuckatnicknames
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Richard is a young man from a very wealthy family. Lack of love from his parents made him run into the first person he thought will love him. He was only using him tho. His brother Chris is not much of a help either and that's why one day he woke up in a hospital after a car accident. Fortunately his best friend is Paul. Things might just end up right at the end.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Okay, I have no clue where this will lead me. I kinda know what I want from it but sometimes the story just writes itself!  
> Their age is not as it is in the real life. Chris is only slightly older than Richard, Paul is the same age and Till is much older than all of them (nothing too creepy, let's say 7 years). Just so you know. And btw: I love to use "though" so be prepared.  
> Oh, and Richard is quite emotional here, cuz let's face it. He normally is.  
> I'll add the tags as the story goes. So far I don't know much.

Richard’s P.O.V.

,,Chris, is that you?!” I found the only known face. Actually, the only face in here. In this room. In this bright sterile room. I’m in a hospital.

,,Thanks god! Yes, Rich, it’s me. Hey,” he put down the book and looks at me.

,,Nurse, he’s awake!” he shouts out of the room and looks back at me.

,,Do you know who you are? How old are you? Who am I?” he asked me concerned.

Obviously I know who he is when I already called him Chris. ,,Yes, I am Richard Kruspe, I’m 24 and you’re my brother Chris.”

,,Okay, great. No memory loss then,” he sighs in relief.

,,Why should I have a memory loss? Where are mom and dad? And what are you doing here? “

A nurse came into the room before my brother could say something.

,,Hello, Mr. Kruspe! How are you feeling? That was a long nap, wasn’t it?“ she smiles while checking me.

,,I... I don’t know,“ I admit.

,,Right. You probably didn’t have time to talk yet. I’ll leave you to it then. Everything looks fine. You’re healing well. I’ll come back later with a doctor,“ she smiles again and leaves the room.

,,Nice ass.“

,,Jesus. You just woke up,“ Chris rolls his eyes.

,,Yea. So, what happened? I don’t quite remember... But I do remember everything from before so I’m okay, right? I have a memory. I remember everything,“ I say trying to reassure myself more than Chris. I don’t have to reassure my brother at all. He’s always been a prick to me. I’m sure he’s here just to see me like this. He definitely took tons of pictures including my junk and he will show it everywhere he can.

,,You’re fine, don’t worry. You probably don’t remember, because you were really drunk and angry and then… then you decided to drive somewhere and you crashed into a tree next to the road,” he says shakily. ,,Oh and mom and dad. Well, you know them. They don’t have time. Mom was here the first day, but when they told her you probably won’t wake up soon, she left. She said she has to fly to China. And dad is in Russia. The only one who has been here since the day one was Paul. But they won’t let him come here. He’s not a family member so he was usually standing in front of the door asking me how you look, how you feel, bla bla bla. ”

,,Don’t pretend you care, brother,” I laugh. Which rewards me with sharp pain under my ribs. Talking is pretty much okay, laughing is not. Checked. ,,It’s not your fault anyway. I was stupid. And our parents, well, I guess I shouldn’t be surprised they’re not here. We probably have to die first. Maybe they’ll attend at least the funeral.” I shrug. ,,But let Paulie in!”  
Our parents were never there for any of us. It was a bit better when they only had Chris, but when I was born, I think my mom walked away from me to the office right after she gave me a birth. I know so much more about my nanny than about my parents.

He inhales and opens his mouth to say something, but only shrugs and close it again.

,,What’s wrong? Tell me.”

,,You said it’s not my fault,” he says quietly. Almost to himself.

,,Yea, I shouldn’t drink and drive. What was I thinking? I… fucked up. I know we’re not the most responsible brothers on earth, but we usually don’t do things like these. If we drink, we stay at the party or home. Same with drugs. So I have no clue what the fuck I was thinking. I…”

,,It is my fault…” Chris interrupts me. ,,We had a fight. That’s why you were so angry and that’s why you left right after you stopped beating me.”

,,What?“

,,You just came back from... you know. And you were already pretty drunk. You haven’t even noticed me and went straight to your room. When I went to see if you’re okay, I said something and you completely snapped...“

,,Fuck. I’m… fuck” I start to remember. ,,You son of a bitch.”

,,Honestly, I didn’t say anything so bad. You’re overreacting. As always. My little brother can’t take a joke.”

,,Go fuck yourself.” Memories are coming back and they are not happy. Not happy at all.

,, Well, you’re no fun anymore when you’re awake so I’m going home. Have few girls to fuck, you have fun in here. With your hand, probably,” he laughs to my face and leaves.

_Good. Go away. I don’t want you here. I don’t want anyone here. Well, maybe only him. My Till. I could go with him here. But he’s not. And he won’t be. Ever. I should have died._

My thoughts are interrupted as doctor with nurse come in.

,,Feeling okay?” the doctor asks.

,,Yea, I suppose.”

,,There is one gentleman that wants to come here, but he’s not a family member. You’re the only one who can sign the permission.”

,,Give me the papers.”

I signed it and doctor did some checkups.

,,Everything looks fine,” he tells me.

,,I’m not sure when you can go home, but you’re healing well.”

_I’m so happy to hear that. Couldn’t you just let me die instead?_

The doctor interrupts my dark thoughts again. ,,Just one more thing, Mr. Kruspe. Do you want to add anyone else to the list?” he asks me.

I have to think about it. _Yes, there is one person I’d love to see. But he won’t show up. But what if? Maybe he’ll come if he heard I nearly died. I don’t know. I promised to myself I won’t be that naive anymore. But what if?! _The doctor coughs to catch my attention and nicely indicates it’s taking me too long.__

__,,I’m sorry,” I apologize._ _

__,,No worries. You just woke up. Take your time,” he smiles and is about to leave._ _

__,,No no, wait! I’d like to add one more name.”_ _

__,,Good. Who is it, kiddo?”_ _

__,,Till Lindeman. Add Till Lindemann.”_ _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know my chapters are very short, but I can't help it. At least I'll be fast with updates ;) And will try to work on it, I promise.  
> I decided to write "Richard's P.O.V." because maybe Paul will like to say something in the future too. We'll see.  
> Big thx to Kvalik for support!  
> Feedback is always appreciated.


	2. Chapter 2

I’m sick of being in hospital. No privacy, no fun, no drugs, no nothing! I wanna go home! The only thing that keeps me alive is Paul. He’s been here with me the whole time. Bringing me naughty magazines, stories from outside world, he even tried to sneak in some alcohol. Idiot. They caught him immediately and probably drank it themselves. We had a great laugh about it tho. I’m so happy to have Paul. My best friend since ever. I can’t complain in other ways either. My room is the biggest, I have huge TV, Xbox and all that shit you could possible imagine. But I’m BORED. I miss parties and my friends. I feel so much better by now so I’m ready to go and explore the world again. 

My friends… Yea, right. No one except Paul really showed up. Even my brother was here just couple of times. The doctor says he’s checking up with him over the phone, but I don’t believe that. He’s just saying it so I don’t feel alone. He knows mind is the most powerful thing when it comes to health and he wants me healthy. My parents are paying quite a lot to make that happen after all. Not that I would expect anyone to come in the first place. You don’t do things like that in the society I live in. We have fake smiles, money and drugs. That’s all we care about. I don’t even know how’s the life of my “friends”. They brought me alcohol and big cars and that’s all that matters. It wasn’t important why any of us cry or why we have bruises all over the body. Important was who came in the biggest/most expensive/newest car. You’re not at the party to tell them your story. You’re there to forget it. And since our parents are rarely at home we have been doing this every fucking day. 

You might think I am lonely and the truth is, I am. My brother hates me for stealing his attention and my friends… Well, I have just explained that, haven’t I? I pretty much grew up on my own. I had my nanny tho. She gave me all she could, but she can’t replace the love of your parents, can she. And money can’t either as our parents think. We have it all. Yes, we do. We have everything you’ve ever dreamed of. Expect one tiny thing. Love. 

I have Paul. True. My best friend. Things could have been much worse without him. I do love Paul. But I don’t know. In a brother kind of relationship maybe? We grew up together. Paul is from one not that wealthy family, but he’s mine. He stood by my side every fucking time. Even tho we both knew I’m wrong. And I believe I did the same for him. He’s not such a trouble tho. He’s a beautiful human being and I love him. I just never thought about him in the other way and I’m certain he doesn’t think about me like that either. Speaking of the devil….

,,Oh hello, Scholle! You look great!” Paul enters my room and hugs me.

,,Stop it. But thank you. I believe I look great again too,” I cock my head. 

,,Well, you definitely seem better! Your old cocky self again. Hurray!”

,,Shut up. You know you love it,” we both laugh.

,,Paul, I wanted to thank you.”

,,For what?” 

,,For everything. You know… you’re here with me when you could be out chasing girls. And… well… you’re just the closest person I know,” I say and feel silly. But I had to say it. It needed to go out.

,,Rich, shut up. I don’t want to chase girls nor boys when my best friend nearly died. Chasing is really the last thing I wanna do. And anyway, shut up again. You would do the same for me. I know that,” he smiles.

,,Yes, I would. Of course I would,” I reassure him.

,,There’s one thing I wanna know tho…” he says and remains silent.

,,What? What is it?”

,,What happened that night? Why did you get into such a drunken state? Why did you jump into your car and drove away? Why did you basically leave me here alone? Why didn’t you call me if you had troubles? Just… Why, Richard?!”

I feel like thousand needles were stubbing me. I didn’t see this coming. And it hurts. He’s not judgmental, he’s just sad and worried which only makes it worse. I start to cry. I can’t have this conversation. I don’t want to talk about it. About HIM. 

,,I can’t, Paul. I…. I can’t. I’m so sorry…” I say between sobs.

,,Hey, shhh, it’s okay. Don’t cry, please. You’ll tell me when you’re ready. Probably at home with bottle of whiskey. Better than here and sober. Right?”

He holds me close and I just nod.


	3. Chapter 3

,,Oh look who’s back! I gotta say your visage has seen better days, little brother,” Christoph chuckles. 

,,Good to see you too, asshole,” I just answer and go straight to my room.

Everything is exactly how I left it. I don’t know why I was expecting some change. I feel strange. I was in a hospital for three months and it’s weird for me to be back home. To be in this huge empty room again. I missed my knives collection tho! Favorite part of my room. Probably one of the reasons why Chris doesn’t come here much. He only comes to make fun of me and he understood it’s not such a smart thing to do in front of my collection. The only thing that keeps him save is the fact I don’t want to dishonor any of the blades with his filthy blood. Did it only once. He was crying like a baby cuz of one tiny cut. He hasn’t mocked me in my room since then. I love my knives.

Actually, there is another collection I missed. Guitars. I don’t play much, but I love to look at them. Pure beauty, right? I’m not such a fan of “V’s” nor explorers, but I have a lot of super strats and les pauls. Especially the latter makes Paul giggle every time I mention I bought another. ,,Yes yes, have more of pauls in here! One is never enough!” he always laughs. Jerk.   
I’m happy he learned few chords cuz of me so we can sometimes jam. I don’t think something will ever come up from it, but it’s a lot of fun with him. As I look over to my desk I see a framed picture of us being completely high and happy. With guitars in hands. It has a strange atmosphere that one. Always makes me smile. And then my eyes wander to the other picture and my heart nearly stops. I forget I still have pictures with Till here. He never wanted to be captured in the first place but I managed. And now I regret that. I collect all pictures of him, of us and throw them to the thrash bin. Our relationship was one big pile of garbage anyway. I collapse on bed and want to cry. I don’t know how to handle this. I wasn’t expecting to see this. Unfortunately, I really forgot. Otherwise I’d ask Chris to throw it away before my arrival. Which he could do without me saying it, but he probably just wants me suffer some more. Isn’t it great to have an older brother? 

,,Princess, mom arrived and wants to have a dinner with us. You know, family time!” Chris announces from the door frame. 

,,Oh, great,” I reply. Not in mood to see anyone. She didn’t really visit me in the hospital either so why should I bother?

,,Come on! She’s happy her baby boy is back and healthy.”

,,Is she now?”

,,What happened to you? Are you okay?” he asks and I see slight concern. 

,,Sure. Always.” 

It doesn’t look like my brother believes me, but I don’t care. I just swallow and head to the bathroom. Have to splash my face with cold water. Hopefully that will help. 

,,Oh! You scared me! You can’t sneak on people like that!” I’m shocked to see Chris right behind me when I open my eyes after drying my face.

,,I’m worried about you, little boy.”

,,I’m not little! You’re only 2 years older than me!”

,,You’ll always be my little brother,” he winks and hugs me from behind.

,,What are you doing?”

,,It’s called hug. And it’s good for comforting someone. Relax. You’re all tensed up,” he says softly.

I’m seriously confused. This is not my brother. 

,,What have you done to my brother?! Who are you?!”

,,Haha, still me, Richie. I’m just worried, that’s all.”

,,Yea, right…”

,,Oh, cut it! We’re brothers. What could possibly be more, hm?” he winks to our mirror reflection and kiss my cheek.

,,You’re creepy. But thx. I think I needed a hug,” I admit.

,,No doubt. If you need anything else, lemme know. And now let’s go!” he lets go of me and spank my ass cheek. ,,Oh Reesh, you should work on that one. You kinda lost DAT ass in process of healing!” he laughs. 

,,I wonder how that’s possible… Was in gym every day,” I roll my eyes and follow him. 

…

When we enter the dining hall, mom is already waiting for us. She looks awful, I gotta say. She’s a very fancy lady. Always well dressed, just the appropriate amount of make-up and well, classy. But she somehow looks tired. Wrecked. I never thought I’d use such a word for her description. 

,,Hello, my boys,” she greets us from her seat.

,,Uhm, hi mom,” I reply and Chris follows. 

,,How are you, sunshine?” she says towards me.

,,I’m good, yea. Feeling okay.”

,,Hmm, that’s not very enthusiastic, is it?”

,,He just got back from hospital, mom,” Chris defends me. Something’s really wrong here.

,,Okay, what’s going on? Chris, you never protect me. Mom, you look like shit. Are you okay? … I know that wasn’t polite, but... My head hurts and all I want is to rest. So excuse my manners.”

,,Oh, I’m sorry I don’t look good enough for you, sweetie. But you know, my child nearly died not so long ago,” she says with cold heart. I’m sure that’s cuz of the insult. No one from our family takes that easily. 

,,I’m sorry, mom. It’s not like you would visit me in the hospital. Didn’t think you cared.”

,,How could you possibly think that?! I couldn’t come. I had a lot of meetings abroad, your dad the same. Chris was with you and he was telling us everything. It was breaking my heart I couldn’t be there and hold your hand…”

I’m stunned. This is way too much to handle. My mom? Did my mom just show me affection? Love? I look over at Chris, but can’t read anything from his face. He’s eating like we were just having a regular dinner.   
If not now, then never. I get up from my seat and go to hug mom. ,,I’m sorry, mommy. I’m sorry.”

,,It’s okay, darling. It wasn’t easy for any of us,” she pets me and returns the hug. I’ve never felt so warm. Okay, that’s a lie. I did. But that has been taken away from me. Ripped from my memories, ripped from my heart. No more thinking about this. No more thinking about him. He hurt me like no one ever did before. He… Shit…

,,Are you okay, baby? You tremble…”

,,I’m okay, mom. I just feel a bit weak. Can I go now? I don’t want to eat.”

,,You can go, but take the meal with you. You will eat that, Richard,” she commands. 

,,Okay,” I nod, take the plate and run into my room. Didn’t even bother with shower, just slipped into my bed, ate the food and fell asleep. It was a rough day.


	4. Chapter 4

What a night. My clock says 11am and I’m still tired as fuck. Maybe I should sleep few more hours. And by maybe I mean definitely. I roll over to my stomach and close my eyes again. There’s no better place than in your own bed. Especially in the morning. Not that I’d have to get up but you know… I can imagine it must be hell. 

After about half hour my brother wakes me up by jumping into my bed. ,,What the fuck?!”

,,Wake up, sleeping beauty! It’s a wonderful day!”

,,Yes, that’s why I’m staying in bed,” I yawn and roll to the other side. 

,,Yah, I’m sure Paul won’t mind,” he winks at me and walks away. 

Paul? What? 

,,Hi Reesh!” Paul walks in with wide smile waving at me.

,,Uhm, hi Paul,” I yawn again and try to sit up at least. Thanks god for headboard on my bed.

,,I know you have to take it easy but what if we went outside? Walk at the yard maybe? Or we could take guitars and play! We didn’t do it for centuries now!”

,,Centuries? I’m not sure if I’m the one who’s got hit in the head,” I laugh.

,,Well it seems like centuries to me!” Paul says irritated. Altho he’s just acting like it. I know him. 

,,You’re right. Yeah. I should probably get up,” I say and see Paul blush. ,,What?”

,,Uhm. I think you’re already up, Reesh. At least some part of you,” he grins. 

,,Oh! OH!” I look down to my crotch and see the tent there. Ofc I knew about my morning wood but I forgot I’m naked and under thin blanket. Damn, this is embarrassing. 

,,No worries. It was a lonely time in the hospital, right?” he winks again. ,,Or were those nurses helping you out? Please tell me they do that!”

,,Haha, no, Paul. Sorry.”

,,Pffff, stupid TV.”

,,TV? Those are porn movies, Paulchen,” I laugh again.

,,Well, what’s the fun of being in hospital then? Completely pointless!”

,,Indeed,” I shrug and leave it be. 

,,I’m glad to have you back, Rich,” he says and I see he’s truly happy. That he means it. 

,,I’m glad to be back, Paulchen. I missed your smiley face,” I smile.

He smiles back and looks at me for a moment. He’s looking into my eyes and he’s leaning towards me.

,,Hey you two, are you going out or not? There’s a great party in the neighborhood!” Chris storms into my room and Paul stops his movements.

,,Sure, don’t bother knocking!” I yell.

,,Oh, was my little brother about to fuck someone?” he chuckles.

,,You’re an asshole.”

,,Are you hurt? Oh noooooo,” he’s laughing.

I just keep quiet and say nothing. Cuz really, what’s the point. I just check Paul and see his head is down and he’s closely observing his hands. That’s a strange behavior. 

,,Okay boys, I wanna get dressed so if you don’t mind…”

,,What? Are you shy now? I’ve seen your dick. Beautiful piece of art! Almost as nice as mine. But just almost.” Chris chuckles again.

,,Uhm… thanks?”

,,And I’m sure Paul won’t mind either. Will you Paulie?” Chris throws him a poisonous look.

,,Chris, get out of my room. I’m not going to any stupid party so just suit yourself and go by yourself. You don’t have to wait for me.”

,,Have you become a pussy? Sad. But I mean, you were always a girl so I shouldn’t be surprised,” Chris laughs again and finally leaves. Asshole. 

,,Sorry for that. But well, you know him.”

,,Yes, I do. And I always hated that fucker for the way he treats you,” Paul says with clenched fists. ,,You’re so much better than him! You’re handsome and kind and funny and …. Never mind. He’s an ass.”

,,Paulieeee,” I pinch his ribs while laughing. ,,I’m so glad I know you. I could have never wished for a better friend,” I smile widely and finally get up from the bed. My half erect cock still seeking attention but no, not getting it today. Or maybe even never…

Paul smiles at me. His eyes are so warm. Warmer than ever. Something in his eyes changed. I can’t name what it is yet but I see it. Sometimes he was looking at me this way but I could never quite figure why. And Till always told me Paul is just my good friend and this is his normal expression. And that I shouldn’t pay any attention to it and rather caress his big fat cock. And I believed it. I believed everything he said. Stupid little boy…

,,Reesh, are you okay? Do you have headache or something? You completely zoned out now.” Paul looks at me with eyes full of worry. 

,,Oh, sorry. I was just thinking about… ehm, doesn’t matter. I should take a shower. Be right back.” I run into the bathroom altho I’m sure Paul knows exactly what I was thinking about. More precisely WHOM I was thinking about. 

 

***Throwback***

,,This place sux, Chris. I’m going home.”

,,You’ll stay where you are. It’s gonna be fun, come on!”

,,I’m even scared to touch the glass here! It’s so dirty. Let’s go home and get high,” I try to convince my brother.

,,You’re such a pain in the ass! Here’s your whiskey so drink and shut up,” he ended the argument. 

Amazing. Such a shithole. This is probably the worst place I’ve ever been to. I was suppose to play guitar with Paul but Chris convinced me to come here. Just so his stupid friends can make fun of me. Not that I’d care. I’m better looking than all of them. The glass of whiskey is in front of me and I really want to drink. I don’t think I wanna touch this dirty glass tho. Fuck. Hopefully this problem will be solved if I’ll buy the whole bottle. 

First band was such a pile of crap. I get it, they cant probably afford good equipment but they can at least put some effort into the performance! Not even talking about the music. My gosh. Why me?!

Second band was even worse than the first. And I thought that cant be. I went out for fresh air already lighting up a cigarette on the way up the stairs. After a while I texted Paul about the hell I’m going through and after few texts we made a bet about how bad the last band will be. We never bet with money tho. I know Paul is not rich. It’s usually about stupid stuff like beer or running naked in the street. Haha, the last time Paul was doing that after loosing bet whether I’ll drink the whole bottle or not, I was so fucking drunk I don’t remember him doing it. That’s why there always must be evidence!

Today it’s the same. I told him the last band will also suck and he said I should give them a chance because they might be good. _Yea, right. After all I’ve seen so far. You’re running naked around the house today, Paul!_

Just when I was finishing my fifth cigarette I heard someone laugh from the back door behind the corner. That laugh gave me goose bumps. So deep yet warm. Like silk for my ears. I instinctively started to walk towards that voice. All I got was just closed door. Well, whatever. I should get back inside.

The stage looked as the same shit as before. This equipment was also old and rusty and I’m sure it wasn’t the intension. Hopefully they spend some time on doing music, for fuck’s sake. If not, I’m walking out of here. My brother is kissing some hot man whore anyway. He won’t even find out I walked away. I snapped one picture for Paul with “get ready for your run” and waited for the worst. 

Electronic intro, not bad. Dude with guitar, not bad. Classic bassist. Those guys look all the same. So far I’m not impressed. Two more sips from my bottle make it slightly better but not enough.  
When their singer enters the stage the bottle almost drops to the floor from my lips. He’s the man that deep warm laugh belonged to. He’s the man that dragged my full attention. His persona made me come closer to the stage. He consumed me completely. I was just there, in front of him, taking in everything I could. I was cheering and clapping and screaming like mad at the end of every song. Even more when the whole show was over. I didn’t want it to end. I wanted more. More of him!

He gave me a wink when he was leaving the stage and I felt like a teenage girl. _What the fuck is wrong with you, Richard?! You’re a man! And you’re a proud one! Man up! _I went back to the bar still a bit dazed. My brother ordered another drink right next to me and he probably noticed my dazed expression.__

,,Did you take drugs, idiot? Here? In this shithole?!”

,,Yea, I’m this stupid, ain’t I?” I just roll my eyes.

,,Hope you had them from home at least! Cuz if not, I’ll make you puke everything! And I’ll record it.”

,,I didn’t take anything, you stupid fuck! Leave me alone,” I push him away.

,,Hey, mind if I join you?” said the deep voice and hair on the back of my head stood up immediately. 

,,No, not at all,” I smiled shyly. _Man up, Richard, man up. ___

,,Ohhhhh, does my brother have a crush? That’s adorable!!!” Chris laughs.

,,Get the fuck out,” I shout at him. Hoping I’m not blushing at his comment.

,,Hi, I’m Chris,” he says towards that beautiful strangers. 

,,Till,” he replies. Cool, now I know his name. Till. I like that.

,,And I’m Richard,” I look at him finding out he’s checking me out.

,,Nice to meet you, Richard,” he says while looking deeply into my eyes. I’m melting. I have never been fucked by a man but I’d let him do anything to me. I have been with men. I am bisexual. But I kinda never trusted anyone enough. And anyway, my meaningless fucks were always about me being in charge, cuz that’s how I like to fuck. This man is twisting my mind. I’m not sure I like that…

,,Do you want a glass?” I ask him.

,,Would be nice, yes,” he simply replies.

,,Here you go,” I sip and hand him the bottle. He looks at me with one eyebrow raised.

,,Bottle? You don’t waste time, boy.”

,,Boy? I’m not a boy anymore! And no, I usually don’t waste my time,” I admit.

,,Cheers to you then!” he sips from the bottle and after adds: ,,boy.”

,,Richard,” I say confidently.

,,I like you, Richard,” he says and he’s checking me out again.

,,Well, who doesn’t, haha!” stupid whiskey talking.

,,Oh is it? Everyone wants to be in your presence?”

,,Depends. People do cuz of my family. But otherwise no, not really,” I shrug. Whiskey talking again.

,,Your family? Why? Are you some fancy boy or what? I mean, I see your nice clothes, boots, rings and the rich smirk on your face. But then again, people can act.”

,,I can act. Not of being rich tho. I just am, haha,” I chuckle. 

,,You are a fancy boy then.”

,,Obviously,” I roll my eyes.

,,Manners, kid. I’m much older than you.”

,,I don’t think so.”

,,You’re cute. I gotta go now tho. But hey, we should definitely repeat this some time again,” he winks at me while getting up from the bar chair.

,,Oh, is your bedtime over already?” I laugh. 

,,Easy, boy,” he gives me a warning look and just lightly brushes my cheek with his palm. He left me there stunned. I’ve never felt like this around anyone before. I want to know everything about him. I want to touch him. I want to kiss him. And I barely know him. 

I was deep in my thoughts when he came back right in front of me. I lifted my head up and looked straight into his eyes. He smiled. And so did I.

,,I need your number, Richard. I meant it when I said I wanna repeat this,” he said never breaking the eye contact. 

,,Oh, sure.”

***End of throwback***

 

,,Sorry. It took some time. But I’m all fresh and clean!” I laugh trying to hide my sadness.

,,No worries, Rich. I’m happy that we can go out and hang out like in the old days.”

,,Uhm, I can’t drink yet, Paul,” I apologize. 

,,Oh no, I didn’t mean that! I wouldn’t let you drink even if you wanted too,” he laughs.

,,Thanks a lot! What a great friend you are!” I join him with laughing.

,,The best one!”

,,Indeed. So, how’s the weather? What should I wear?”

,,Doesn’t matter, Rich. You look good in everything.”

,,You’re a great help.”

,,Uggggh, just take some shirt and shorts and you’re fine,” he rolls his eyes too and smile.

,,Thank you. Was that so hard?” I roll my eyes too. 

Finally after half hour we were ready to go. We are basically going just in front of the house but that doesn’t mean we shouldn’t look the best we can, right? I grabbed my guitar, Paul took his (he has one favorite from all my acoustics and I told him once he can keep it) and we headed to the kitchen, cuz boys are hungry. The maid greets us at the entrance and tells us what’s on the menu. 

,,I’m not really picky, lady. I’m just hungry,” I say. Paul is never picky. Even tho I told him hundreds of times he can be. 

,,My apologies, sir,” she replies. ,,Here are your sandwiches. Let me know what to cook for you later.”

,,Thank you. And we will.”

Finally out. It’s so good just to lie on the grass. I never realized how beautiful it smells. I almost forgot how good it feels. The sun is shining, I’m eating great sandwich and I have my best friend by my side. It is a wonderful day. Chris was right.

,,It’s so good to be back. I mean, I didn’t spend that long in the hospital but it was enough, you know. I’m glad I can actually go out and have fresh air. It’s a nice change from those concrete walls of one sterile room.”

,,Tell me about it, Rich. I was so scared I lost you…”

,,Never! I wouldn’t leave you here just like that, would I?” I wink at him and smile.

,,I hope so. It was awful. Just…. Just call me next time, okay?”

,,I hope there wont be next time,” I shrug.

,,Oh! No! That’s not what I meant! I meant next time you’ll feel bad. Or lonely… or hurt…” he almost whispers the last word.

,,Paul...” I stop. I don’t know what to say. Maybe just: ,,thank you. And you do the same, okay? You know you can tell me everything.”

,,Yeah…” he said and there was a slight hesitation like he wanted to say something more and changed his mind. 

,,Paul?”

,,Yeah?”

,,Are you okay? Is everything alright with you? I hope my stupid brother wasn’t a dick to you while I was healing.”

,,I’m fine, Rich. Really. I’m just glad you’re back. That’s all,” he smiles again. ,,And no, Chris was okay, no worries. He was actually telling me all the time what they were doing with you and how you’re doing.”

,,Good. Glad to hear. Just… if you ever wanna talk, I’m here, okay? And if you love someone and dunno what to do about it, just tell me. We’ll figure it out. We always have. And if that dude hurts you I’ll kick his ass!” I laugh altho I mean it. No one can hurt Paul. No one. 

,,True friend. Thanks, Rich.”

,,Enough of the chitchat, right? Let’s fucking play! Let’s see if I still remember how to,” I say a bit insecure. You don’t practice for few weeks and you can start all over. Altho I know Paul would wait until I catch up again. He is always by my side. Always.


	5. Chapter 5

Days were passing by and I am feeling better and better. I think it’s mainly thanks to Paul. He is cheering me up all the time. Even my brother seems to care more. I suppose it’s one of those “you don’t know what you have until it’s gone”. But here I am. Brand new and shiny. Finally, I can hit the gym again. Can’t be too hard on myself but it’s better than nothing. There was one strange morning yesterday tho. I was just coming out of the gym, passing the hallway, when I heard my brother yell: ,,I told you to never come back! Show your fucking face in here one more time and I’ll fucking kill you!” Then he slammed the door shut and his face was red from anger. Once he noticed me he nearly jumped.

,,For how long are you here?!”

,,Just passing by. Who was it?”

,,No one.”

,,Right. That no one made you quite angry. You sure you don’t wanna tell me? I can kick his ass,” I clenched my fists and hit the air few times to prove my point.

,,Just forget it.”

,,Thanks for support, brother!”

,,It was…” he started. ,,No one. It’s better this way,” he finished.

,,Now you kinda made it interesting,” I threw him a suspicious look.

,,For fucks sake, just leave it be, Richard. Leave it be!” he shouted and went back to his room. Or maybe living room. Or gym. Or pool. Well, just inside the house. One can never know here.

Now I’m lying in my bed and of course I’m still trying to figure out who it was. I’ve never seen Chris this angry. I’m the one with temper so it surprised me. Could have been one of our friends, his ex boyfriend or ex girlfriend but I don’t think he would get this angry. He never loved anyone as far as I know. He’s just like our mom. Cold. I wish I would be like that. I wish I didn’t care and didn’t know hurt. People say it’s worth it but I don’t think so. I’d rather have stone heart than heart with such a scar.

 

***Throwback***

,,Hello boy,” Till greets me and kisses me.

,,How many times do I have to tell you I’m not a boy?!”

,,Until you become a man,” he smiles.

,,I am a man!”

,,Sure you are, baby,” he winks at me and leads me into his apartment.

It’s a small flat with old furniture. Living room with kitchen, bathroom and behind the closed door probably bedroom. Just as I expected. I told him to come to my place but he refused. So far we were just out together. Drinking, talking, walking. This is the first time Till suggested a movie inside. And I was more than happy to oblige. Anything he wants…

,,Oh, you have a drum kit! That’s pretty cool. Do you play?” I ask and immediately curse myself. _Of course he plays, dummy. Why else would he keep a drum kit in a small condo._

,,Not often. It’s loud and neighbors complain,” he shrugs.

,,Get electronic then. It’s much quieter and also much better! You can play with the sound, hell, you have different sound banks!” I say proud of myself for coming up with such solution.

,,It’s expensive, Reesh,” he says plainly.

,,Uhm. Drum kit is as well, innit?” I’m always so insecure around him.

,,Not this one, let me tell you. Drum kits can of course get very expensive but not this non-brand non-sense,” he explains while he’s taking out empty glasses of wine from the shelf.

,,Right… I brought wine,” I say to change the subject while plotting in my mind how to get Till a brand new electronic drum set. Roland would do.

,,You didn’t have to. But maybe it’s good you did. I suppose I couldn’t welcome you with wine I’m drinking. Your fine tongue wouldn’t like that,” he grins.

,,Don’t tell my tongue what it would like and what it wouldn’t,” I stick it out on him. Childish gesture, I know.

,,Yeah? You wanna try my wine? Or should we put that tongue to a better use?”

I shiver. My whole body wants him so much.

,,B-better use, please,” I look at him with eyes full of lust.

He just smiles and then say: ,,hand me the bottle.”

He’s so unapproachable. He’s like a wall of stone. Such a warm wall of stone tho. His heat is enormous. I take out the bottle and go to the kitchen to hand it to him. When I’m inches from him I can already feel his heat. I press my body on his and lick my lips.

,,Here’s the bottle,” I say on a low seductive tone.

Obviously it worked hence he takes the bottle from me, places it on the encounter and presses me even closer to him. I can’t read anything in his eyes. He doesn’t move a single muscle either. Seconds later he takes my face into his palms and kisses me deeply. I open my mouth to allow him access and he deepens the kiss. Oh my god, how much I love his taste. I could do this all day and night. He breaks the kiss tho and strokes my cheek with his palm. Then he moves away from my body and I immediately start to miss the heat. Start to miss the feeling of him pressed so close to me. Start to miss the feeling of his chest rising up and down.

,,Shhhh boy. I’m not going away. I’ll hold you close soon again, I promise,” he says in a deep voice and pours the wine.

When he notices I’m still kinda stunned on the spot, he walks to me and hugs me from behind. He’s kissing my neck and travels on my body with his hands.

,,You’re so beautiful, Reesh,” he breaths out.

My body starts to vibrate. Butterflies are flying in my whole existence. Every cell of me wants him so much.

,,Y-You are…” I pant.

,,Me? Don’t fool me, boy. I’m not beautiful. I’m big and I have a charisma. Seems to work fine on you,” he rubs his cheek on mine.

,,Shut up, you are beautiful to me. I don’t care what is the reason. I want you.”

He quickly turns me to face him in his embrace and kisses me passionately. I can feel his dick awaking and he surely can feel mine. The difference is that I’m hard as stone. I start to rub myself a bit on his thigh and he breaks the kiss again. I sob on the loss of contact.

,,Please…” I plead.

,,The movie, Richie. We wanted to watch a movie.”

,,Fuck the movie!”

,,Language, kid,” he says in that low tone of his, still cupping my face. He’s traveling with his thumb over my lips but doesnt allow me to take him in.

,,Let’s move to the couch, shall we? Take your glass and sit down.”

I just obey. Even tho I don’t want him to move any farther from me.

,,So, now that we are in front of the telly. What do you wanna watch?”

,,You.”

,,Richard, I’m serious.”

,,I don’t care about a movie! Please… let me…” I don’t finish as Till interrupts me.

,,Reesh, I’m much older than you. We have to take this slow.”

,,Much older? You gotta be kidding me. You’re like, what, five years older than me?”

,,Five years? You’re adorable! Ten at least.”

,,First, I don’t think so. Second, even if, who cares? I want you and I’m a grown up.”

,,Baby, I’m 30. And I don’t even dare to guess how young you are.”

,,I’m 23!!!”

,,What? You look nothing like 23,” he laughs.

,,I look younger. Will be handy when I’ll be old. So, sorry to disappoint any of your perverse fantasies. I’m not that young.”

,,Stop that, Reesh. I want you because you are gorgeous. Not because you are young. That was the thing that was stopping me.”

,,Stopping you from what? Pressing your body against mine?” I grin.

,,Stopping me from fucking you like there’s no tomorrow.”

I swallow. I feel a mixture of lust and… fear. Till is big. And I’ve never done this before.

,,I… uhm… I’ve never…” I stop and look down. All those guys I slept with seemed to really enjoy how I fucked them. So I suppose it can’t be bad. But I also heard a lot of stories of how much it hurts.

,,What is it? Talk to me, baby,” he stares at me and fondles my cheek.

,,I’ve just never been bottom. And I’m a bit scared. I want you, I really do. And of course I didn’t think we would actually watch a movie when I agreed to meet you here but now that you talk about it… I’m just… I’m scared,” I look back at him with eyes full of worry. I’m sure he will send me home now. Why wouldn’t he after all.

He stares at me and I can’t read anything on him again. I’m so embarrassed. I should have just kept my mouth shut and try to enjoy whatever was waiting for me. Maybe he would even let me pleasure him if he didn’t know. But now? Forget it.

,,I’m sorry for wasting your time. I should go…” I hold back my tears and get up. The only thing I want now is to be away in a heartbeat. From everyone and everything.

,,Stop. Richard, stop!” Till catches my hand and gets up himself. He pulls me into a tight hug and whispers to my ear: ,,don’t be silly. You’re not wasting anything. I want you, baby boy. From the first moment I saw you in front of the stage. And I promise I’ll be as gentle as I can. You will enjoy it, sweet boy. Just don’t be scared, okay? Can you do that for me?”

I nod. I don’t want to go anywhere now. I want to stay in these strong arms that protects me from all bad things out there. I’m holding him so close to me. I want him to be part of me. But I think he already is. I can’t think of anything else but him.

,,First, we watch a movie. And before you start to say anything, we’ll watch it just because we can drink this bottle of wine and maybe add some more from my storage. You won’t be so nervous,” he smiles and kisses me.

,,I’m not nervous,” I try to convince him. And myself.

,,No? Well then I am and I need to drink!” he laughs and sits back, taking the glass of wine. I gotta admit I am a bit relieved. I was so tense I don’t think he would have a chance to enter me.

…

,,Are you drunk, Reesh?” he smiles playfully.

,,No!” I say and touch my nose with a finger to prove it.

,,Then you need to drink more!” he laughs and pours the rest of wine into my glass.

,,Is the movie over yet?”

,,No.”

,,Then yes, I need to drink.” I laugh and sip the bloody liquid.

Till is smiling at me and then holds my chin between his index finger and thumb. He leans closer and kisses me again. This time I run my hand through his hair pressing him closer. I don’t let him to break the kiss until I’m satisfied. When we part I’m out of breath and so is he.

,,Are you drunk, Till?” this time it’s me asking playfully.

,,A bit, yes. It’s a good wine,” he chuckles.

,,Of course it is! I want the best for you.”

,,You are the best for me.”

,,Haha, I like you drunk!” I wink at him.

,,I’m not that drunk! But fuck… finish the glass already, Reesh!” he commands.

,,Oh, someone is impatient now, huh?” I mock him and at the protest sip just a bit. Veeeery slowly I keep going. Veeeeeery slowly. ,,Such a good wine. I have to enjoy the taste, you know,” I explain.

,,Oh really? The taste of wine is all you want, innit?”

,,That’s right,” I say and try to hide blood is leaving my brain again cuz it’s needed somewhere else.

,,Didn’t your mom tell you lying is bad?” Till says and squeezes my thigh.

Small moan escapes my lips.

,,She didn’t, no. But I think my nanny said something like that.”

,,You had a nanny?! That’s unbelievable,” he laughs again.

,,It’s not as great as it sounds,” I shrug.

,,No, baby. Don’t be sad. I didn’t want to make you sad,” he says and starts to place butterfly kisses on my neck and cheeks and lips…

,,Come on, get up, boy.”

,,Why? I’m very comfy here,” I smile.

,,Because we’re going to sleep and we won’t sleep here, will we?” he says, gets up and offers me his hand. I take it and so he lifts me up. I start to be nervous again.

,,Here, finish your drink. We’re going to sleep, Reesh. I didn’t say I have to fuck you.”

,,But… But I thought….”

,,Hush. Don’t think and just follow me,” he takes my hand and leads me to the bedroom.

It’s quite cozy. One big bed, nightstands, wardrobe and keyboard. Again some non-brand. It’s okay for practice but I just hope they don’t use this for recording.  
While I’m in my thoughts Till strips himself naked and goes towards me. He takes off my shirt and starts to unbuckle my belt. Even in the dark I can feel his gaze. I touch his naked torso and shiver. I now stand naked in front of him insecure about everything. As I always am. I learned how to put a mask and basically never take it off but this is me. I think no one can like me and mostly no one can find me attractive. Chris has been telling me that since ever after all.

,,You’re so beautiful, my sweet boy,” Till drags me out of my thoughts. ,,So fucking beautiful,” he kisses my neck and run hands all over my body.

,,Do you mean it? Do you really think I’m beautiful?”

,,Of course I do! I mean, look at you. Oh my god. You could be an underwear model,” he smiles against the nape of my neck.

,,I don’t wear any right now.”

,,I know, baby,” he says and move away from me. _Oh yea, here we go. He doesn’t want me._ ,,Come boy, we should get some sleep,” he says and gets under the blanket laying on his side. He holds it up for me as an invitation. _You can do this, Richard. You want it._

I jump in and immediately get as close to him as I can. I want to feel him.

,,Mmmmh, that’s my sweet boy,” he purrs. He holds me in his embrace, head is now buried in the nape of my neck and his hand is running over my body. My muscles relax under his touch.

,,Oh boy, do you do something else than working out in a gym?” he growls. I learned later that’s what he does when he’s very aroused.

,,Not really, no,” I smile.

,,It’s paying off,” he says and his hand travels from my torso down over my stomach but instead of grabbing that aching flesh, he turns to my thigh, scratches it a bit and travels back up to my torso. He’s killing me. I want him so bad.

I shift a bit to face him better and attack his mouth. I catch him on the back of his neck and kiss him like mad. He pins me down and lay on top of me. I can feel his hard member on my thigh. He’s so huge, oh my god. I have no clue how to survive this.

,,I’m sorry. I promised you we’ll just sleep and so we will. I got carried away. You’re way too much to handle for me. I want to touch you and kiss you all the time,” he pants and starts to separate from my body.

,,I’m not sleepy, Till.”

,,Reesh, you’re nervous. I can feel it.”

,,And do you also feel this?” I take his hand and place it on my leaking cock.

,,Fuck…” he growls again. ,,Last chance, baby. I can’t control myself any longer if you won’t stop me now. Do you want to sleep?”

,,Yes, I do,” I say and see a tiny disappointment on Till’s side. ,,With you,” I add and start to work my hips so Till is stroking my cock. I have to stop tho or I’ll cum right now. Too much of a sensation for me. Till kisses me shortly and stretches out to reach the nightstand. He takes out the small bottle of lube and starts to kiss me again. He travels with his kisses to my neck, down my torso and stops on my nipples. He teases them a bit and then continues his journey down. He takes me into his mouth and I’m sure I’d cum right there and then if this was my first time.

,,Fuck. Oh my god…” I moan like mad and bite my forearm not to be so loud. His mouth is like silk on my cock. I didn’t even notice he poured some lube on his fingers until I felt it near my entrance. He slides in one digit and waits. All I can feel is pleasure for now. He’s doing incredible job on my dick. He’s sucking me like a pro. It feels so good yet it’s not enough to make me cum. Not just yet. And I’m sure he’s very aware of that. He slid in one finger and he’s slowly fucking me. Okay, this is not so bad. On the other hand, his mouth is on my cock and his finger is still nothing compared to what he has between his legs. He adds another finger and it burns. But just for a little while. He’s working me open and he’s searching for the sweet spot.

,,Oh GOD!” he found it and I nearly died from pleasure. He stops sucking and smiles at me.

,,Are you enjoying yourself, baby?”

,,Mmmh-hmmm” is all I can say.

Third finger added and right after that he brushes over my prostate again. I think I’ll die. But if yes, I’ll die as the happiest person on earth. My cock jerks from such intensity.

,,Oh look, he’s waving at me!” Till laughs. ,,I have to take care of him then,” he gives me another wink and takes me back to his mouth. He’s fucking me with his fingers, sucking me and now hitting the sweet cherry over and over again.

,,Till. Till, stop. I’ll cum. Oh god, Till,” I moan and writhe.

,,Mmmmmh” is his approval on my cock. Those vibrations sent me over the edge. I cum into his mouth and he swallows everything I offered. And it was a lot, let me tell you.

I pant and don’t even know my name for a while. This was the best blowjob I’ve ever gotten. Till positions himself between my thighs and lubes his stiff cock. I watch him and don’t want in the slightest for him to stop.

,,Shouldn’t I lay on my stomach or something?” I ask shyly.

,,It’s not such a difference, baby. It will hurt either way, I’m not gonna lie to you. But I want to watch you. I want to see your beautiful face and how you shut your eyes from pure pleasure. Cuz that will come right after the pain will disappear,” he explains and leans down to kiss me. I feel small pressure at my entrance as he places the head of his cock there and I brace myself for the pain. He still gives me time to stop it. I nod it’s okay and he starts to slowly enter me. I clench my fits into the sheet and cry out. He immediately stops pushing in.

,,Ssssh, you’re doing so good, baby,” he leans down to kiss me again. ,,It’s almost there.”

,,That’s a lie,” I spit out.

,,Well, the tip is and there’s not much left anymore.”

,,Not much left? Have you seen your dick?!” I laugh.

,,You see? It’s getting better otherwise you couldn’t laugh,” he says while pushing in a bit more. ,,Breath, baby. And relax,” he whispers.

I do as I’m told. It hurts, it really hurts. But he’s so close to me now. He’s mine. No one can take him away from me. I can do this. For him.  
He pushed even more of his hot flesh inside of me and I feel the fat tear that is rolling down on my cheek.

,,Shhhh, talk to me, Reesh. Should I stop? If it helps, I’m fully in now. You did so good, my baby boy,” he kisses the wet trail on my cheek.

,,Don’t stop, no.”

,,Does it hurt?”

,,No…” I lie.

,,Don’t lie to me, baby. Just few more minutes and you’ll adjust. And then it starts to be whole lot better, I promise,” he kisses me again giving me time. I wish I wasn’t this pathetic.

,,I’m sorry.”

,,For what? That it hurts you? Of course it does. But you’re doing so good,” he withdraws a bit and then pushes back in.

,,It’s not that bad anymore,” I admit.

,,See? You’re so good,” he kisses my eyelids and repeats his movement. He’s doing long slow strokes. The burn is mostly gone.

,,Does it feel good now?”

I nod and kiss him. He quickens his pace a bit and observes my reactions. I scratch his back but not from pain. Till smiles and continue with his pumps. Now he’s trying different angles to see what I like the best. His cock finds my prostate at one delicate movement and I cry out loud with pleasure. Till focuses on that stop from now on. I bite my lip and scratch his back. This is nothing like I’ve ever imagined it would be. This is so much better. I grab my now again erect cock and start to pleasure myself. Till straightens up and take my cock in his hand. He quickens the pace and strokes me in time with his thrusts. I’m panting and thinking that now I’ll definitely die from pleasure. Everything about this is so intense. Till is the most amazing creature I’ve ever met. He gives me few more pumps with his fist and I cum again into his hand and over my stomach. He follows few thrusts after with such an animalistic sound when orgasm takes over him. He collapses on me and I swear I produced few more drops of cum just from the sound he made.

Now we breathe harshly, our bodies pressed together and he’s still in me. I’m a mess and I’m all sweaty but I’ve never been happier. I don’t want to go home. I want to stay with Till forever.

After ten minutes or so we calm down a bit and to my big protest, he pulls out of me.

,,Look at you now. Before you didn’t want me to go in there and now you don’t want me to leave,” he laughs.

,,People change, what can I say,” I laugh too. Till leans closer and kisses me. I suppose I look like the type that needs kisses. Well, I don’t look like it on the surface, but he seems to see right through me. He seems to see who I am and what I want and need. Not who I’m pretending to be.

,,Am I a man now?” I ask shakily.

,,No. You’re a boy that just got fucked,” he says and lightens up a cigarette.

***End of throwback***

 

Now I cry and have a hard on. Great. Fuck my life. _Why couldn’t you just love me the way I loved you, hm? Why did you have to use me in such a way you did?_

Stupid little boy…

,,Reesh, are you going out today? I could pick you up and we could go somewhere. Or just hang out together, it’s up to you,” I read a message from Paul.

,,I don’t feel fine, Paul. I’ll text you tomorrow,” I reply. I know seeing Paul would do me good but I don’t want him to see me like this. He’s seen enough when I run to him crying cuz Till did or didn’t do something. He shouldn’t suffer from my pain. I’ll just stay in bed and let my life be miserable once again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you think Reesh is such a crying baby then let me explain that I dont simply think taking a huge dick especially the first time doesnt hurt. Plus, he didn't give up just his tight hole but bit of his heart and dignity as well. So far he was always on top and it was completely meaningless, this was brand new to him and he was a bit scared. You're always tensed when you're scared.


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This fandom is so dead :( Well, this is what my sick mind came up with (mentioned knife play and violence). Paul has something to say :)

Paul’s P.O.V.

 _I should study._ I say in my head. I really should, the exam is tomorrow and I haven’t even seen the books yet. I was late with school when the car crash happened and it’s even worse now when Reesh is at home. I’m trying to stay as much with him as I can. I wonder why he didn’t want to see me yesterday. I just hope he was too busy admiring himself, cuz I hate the idea of him being sad. 

_Okay, time to get up._ I say and do nothing. Luckily my stomach is empty and therefore I’m hungry. Studies usually don’t make me get up when I don’t want to, but food? Oh, that’s a different topic.

As I go slowly to the kitchen I hear my phone buzz on the nightstand. ,, **How about a Sunday brunch at my place?** ” Richard texted me. Well, I can’t say no to that. I quickly change my route from kitchen to bathroom and have a long shower. I brush my teeth, put some cologne and dress up. ,,Be there in a minute” I reply. It’s not possible to be so fast but Richard knows that. He knows I live about half hour from him so that’s exactly how long I meant by “in a minute”. 

….

 _Oh damn, he looks a bit tired._ ,,Good morning! Did you just wake up or what?” I tease him.  
,,Funny! I texted you an hour ago. Believe that answers the question,” he rolls his eyes and let me in.

,,We’ll eat outside if that’s okay with you,” he tells me.

,,Sure. It’s a beautiful day again.”

He nods and leads me out of the house to the back yard. He’s wearing only shorts. It’s hot outside but damn. How can I resist that body? He’s working out again and it starts to show up. But honestly, even if he wasn’t all beefy, I’d love to touch him anyway. 

,,Oh, did I tell you to bring your swimming shorts or did I forget?” he asks me. 

,,You totally forgot!”

,,Doesn’t matter, we can swim naked,” he laughs. 

Oh god, please kill me now. 

,,What do you want to eat?” he asks me and I hold back saying out loud ,, _you_ ”. My feelings for him got so much worse after that accident. I thought I lost him and I nearly went mad. I always knew he’s more than a friend to me but after the car crash I realized how screwed I am. I love him more than anything else and I was hoping that one day he will realize that. 

,,I don’t know, it doesn’t matter. I’m not that hungry anyway,” he always does that. Asking me what I want to eat when he knows I don’t feel comfy about telling someone to cook what I want. I’ll eat what’s done. Well, okay, maybe he doesn’t because I never told him, but anyway, he should know by now. 

,,Paulchen, I can hear your stomach crying, you know,” he smirks. ,,But okay, if you don’t have any preferences I’ll tell the maid what I want and hopefully you’ll find some appetite for that.”

,,Sounds great.”

When the maid came and he ordered the meal (which could easily feed the whole African village, I have no clue how he wants us to eat that), he put his shades on and starts sunbathing in his chair. 

,,Too hot! I guess I have to jump into the pool even before breakfast,” he laughs. ,,How the fuck can you still be in your shirt?!”

,,Truth is, I don’t know,” I reply and start to take if off. It’s like 30°C. I’m melting.

,,Let’s go hang out by the pool. The bar is there. And SHADOW!” 

,,God, please. I’m melting here,” I say.

,,Come on, Paulie! You don’t have to call me god. I’m Richard for you!” he laughs like  
crazy.

,,Veeery funny!”

…

Even the air is better around the pool. I am surprised no one else from the family is here. And by that I meant Chris. I rarely see their mom and I don’t think I saw their father more than once. 

,,Where is Chris?” I ask. 

,,I don’t know. I don’t care. Do you miss him, Paulie?” he raises one eyebrow.

,,Oh, hell no! I was just wondering.”

,,Maybe he’s in the pool inside. I dunno.”

,,Ah. I always forget you have two swimming pools. I mean, sure, one is never enough,  
right?” I laugh.

,,Of course Paul! I don’t want to swim outside during winter nor swim inside during summer! You make no sense,” he’s looking at me like I’m crazy.

Luckily the maid came with food so I don’t have to reply. What should I tell him? That he has more money than five whole generations of my family? I just hope he still trusts me. I hope he knows I’m not with him for the money. I’m not Till.

,,This looks amazing, Reesh!” I breath out as I see all those eggs, bacon, baguettes, pancakes, toasts, fruit and probably everything you can imagine.

,,I thought you’re not hungry, Paul,” he laughs. 

,,Shut up.”

…

I stare at him when he takes Nutella and dig his finger in it. ,,Animal. We eat that with spoon,” I smirk.

,,But it’s soooo much better from a finger, you know!”

,,I don’t think so. Highly uncivilized.”

,,You obviously haven’t tried it yet.”

,,No. I eat with spoon, fork and knife. Like a human being,” I still laugh trying to mask my  
arousal as I watch him lick the cream from his finger. He’s humming and doing his best  
to clean it. I seriously think he’s teasing me. _Oh god…_ when he finally finishes he digs the finger into the bottle again and smirks.

,,You have to try it my way,” he grins.

,,No, I’m good! And human!”

,,Quiet!” he commands and offers me the finger.

I can’t tell him no. I slowly take his finger into my mouth and start to lick the scream. He’s looking at me with a serious expression. It almost seems like he likes what I’m doing. I’m keeping eye contact and I completely forgot about the Nutella. I’m sucking his  
finger and my dick is throbbing.

,,I think you like that, Paulie,” he smiles.

,,Mmmh mmmmh.”

,,You want more?” _Yes, I do! And no only from your finger!_ ,,Nah, I had enough, thank you,”  
I reply and hope he doesn’t see the bulge in my shorts.

,,Don’t lie, Paulie. I can see the lust in your eyes, you know,” he says while coating his finger with more nutella.

_Right. Lust for nutella. Sure. You’re an idiot! But better think this. It’s too soon._

I lick his finger clean and this time I was actually paying some attention to it. ,,I hate to say that but you’re probably right. It does taste better this way,” I admit. 

,,Of course I’m right! I tried to eat it with spoon just once. The metallic aftertaste just doesn’t go along,” he smiles. ,,I think I’ll continue with food later, I wanna swim. Are you joining me?”

,,No no, I don’t have swimming shorts anyway.” Even if I wanted, I can’t go away from the table now. I need few more minutes to cool down. _Spiders, worms, organs, dead things… get your dick under control, Paul!_

,,I told you already, you don’t need it! I could borrow you mine but why.”

,,I’m not swimming naked, Richard.”

,,Ehm, there are no fish in our swimming pool, if that’s what you’re scared of,” he laughs.

,,Funny!”

,,Fine! I take my swimming shorts off too,” he rolls his eyes and is naked before I even have a chance to stop him.

,,You really didn’t have to.”

,,No, I didn’t have to. But it wouldn’t be fair,” he winks at me and jumps into the pool. 

No way of getting mine off. Not now at least.

…

I gotta say it’s really nice to hang out by the pool. Food, water, chill out zone (that’s at least how Richard calls it) and Richard… what else do I need. Maybe better self control, cuz I’m constantly tempted. We’re both naked and I can’t do anything but stare at his beautiful cock. I want it in my mouth. I want to taste him. Feel him.  
I got so lost in my thoughts I think I burned myself. Richard put some sun cream on my back but it seems it wasn’t enough. Great. I’m glad it’s evening already. 

,,Reesh, I hate to say this but I should go. I need to study a bit.”

He looks at me and wants to say something but his phone buzzes. He picks it up and his expression changes completely. I saw sadness, hurt, hope, anger, lust … all that in less than a minute. ,,Reesh, are you okay?”

He looks back at me with completely blank face. ,,Huh?”

,,I was asking if you’re okay,” I repeat.

,,Uhm, yea yea, sure,” he says with faraway expression and then calls the maid. ,,Get me something to drink,” he orders. 

,,But sir, I have instructions from your mother that you shouldn’t drink,” she’s saying fearfully.

,,Did I fucking ask you?! Get me the bottle or I’ll go and get it myself! And trust me, you don’t want that,” he shouts and she runs into the house.

,,Paul, don’t you have some coke?” he asks me and adds: ,,I don’t think she will come back.”

I’m just looking at him not really sure what to say. I don’t want to make him mad but I don’t want him to drink nor snort anything.

,,Uhm, I don’t have anything, Reesh. I’m sorry.”

,,I thought so. It’s alright. Chris always has something in his room,” he says and gets up. I catch his hand before he can go away. ,,Richard, what happened? Who was it?” I rather go through this than let him take drugs. He’s not completely okay yet. And drinking would be better than coke. Hope she will come back.

,,I don’t wanna talk about it. In fact, I don’t wanna know I exist. That’s why I need something to dilute my blood with,” he just says and wants to go. The maid comes back with a glass of some brown liquid. I suppose it’s whiskey.

,,You kidding me, right? One glass? Seriously?! Get me the whole fucking bottle right now! And another glass. Do I look alone to you?!” he shouts again, drinks the whiskey and throws the empty glass against wall. I’m really sorry for her. I suppose this is not an easy job.

,,I don’t want to drink, Richie,” I tell him and nearly whisper: ,,and you shouldn’t either.”

,,True. I should get the coke. You’re right.”

,,NO! That’s not what I meant! Richard please, talk to me. You know you can tell me everything…”

,,What’s the point of talking? It doesn’t do any good. It doesn’t solve anything. It can’t take the time back. It’s just fucking pointless!” he raises his voice but finally sits down as he sees the maid coming our way with full bottle and two glasses.

…

,,Hey, Kate, come back!” he shouts after her.

,,Yes, sir?” she comes back immediately.

,,You say a word to my mother and I’ll kill you.”

She just nods and leaves. I stare at him and trying to figure out what’s happening. I’ve seen him this broken only back in the days when he was with Till. And I’m afraid he’s exactly the main cause of Richard’s mood at the moment. I told Till hundreds of times to leave him alone and I know Chris did as well. He was just laughing into our faces. None of us know what actually happened during the night of Richard’s accident but we know he was with him. And for that he got a pretty nasty beating from Christoph’s men. He told him to stay away from his brother for good. I guess he didn’t get it considering he was knocking at his door two days ago. We were incredibly lucky that Richard was at gym and Chris answered the door. He texted me few moments later to find out from Richard if he saw him or not. We were lucky that time. Now it seems we run out of luck. I have to say this to Chris but I’ll try to get confirmation from Reesh first. It hurts me to see him in this state. He already drank almost half of the bottle.

,,Can I still get a drink? I changed my mind,” I ask. I’ll rather help him to get this bottle finished than watching him doing it alone.

,,Of course, Paulchen! Always,” he says and tries to pour me the drink. He spills some on the table. Well, feed the table more, less for us.

As our drinking continues I’m feeling dizzy and sad. Richard did drink most of the liquid and he starts to cry. I rush to sit on his side and hold him. He sobs and pours himself another drink.

,,Talk to me, Richie. Who was it?” I hope he will be a bit more open now when he’s drunk.

,,Paul…”

,,Okay, I don’t force you,” I just hold him.

,,It was Till… He…” instead of finishing he handed me his phone so I could read the text.

**,,Hey kiddo, I heard you had a car crash. I hope you’re okay. I never wanted to hurt you. I realized I was harsh with you that day and I’m sorry. I wanted to apologize but no one will let me go near you. Love, Till.”**

My blood is boiling. _That motherfucker!!! How does he even dare to do this?! What makes him think he will say “sorry” and everything will be solved?! What does give him a right to even text Reesh?! Fucking animal. Little piece of crap!_

,,Paul?”

,,Oh, sorry. I zoned out. Sorry,” I try to calm myself down. I really wanna kill now. And I wonder what does Till need that he contacted him.

,,It’s okay. I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have showed you.”

He looks so sad and it seems to me like he’s apologizing.

,,Richard, I’m glad. I’m happy you finally opened up to me. Please, don’t apologize for that.”

,,You have enough of your own shit to handle. I shouldn’t add mine.”

,,Shut up. Just shut up,” I say and hold him closer. ,,What happened that night, Reesh? We  
still don’t know and… I just want to prevent that in future.”

,,There’s nothing to prevent,” he says and drinks another shot. 

_Okay, this Till guy must die!_

,,I loved him, Paul. From the first moment. I did everything I could to make him happy hoping he feels the same about me. He wanted new guitar, he got it. He wanted new piano, he got it. He wanted new mike, he got it… I just… I thought I’m doing it right, you know. I haven’t said a word when he beaten me up. I didn’t complain when he insulted me or abused me. Sometimes he was so rough it actually hurt. I like it harder but he was cutting me with knife while thrusting into me mercilessly, explaining it just adds to the sensation, I didn’t really enjoy it that much. There were times when he was mad about something and a lot of times not even at me and he just bent me over and fucked me without any preparation. And that did hurt, Paul. Yet I didn’t say anything and my tears never seemed to disturb him. But when I told him the other night that I love him, he just replied: “that’s nice”. That’s fucking nice! Can you imagine, Paul? Then he told me to keep my beautiful mouth shut and take off my pants,” Reesh started to sob uncontrollably. And I can’t blame him. I wanna cry myself when I hear all this. I seriously want to kill Till. He calmed himself a bit and continued: ,,It was just too much, you know. I felt like he ripped my heart and crushed it. I run out of the apartment jumped into the car and drove away as quickly as I could even tho I was drinking the whole night. But I wasn’t drunk. Not yet, at least. I arrived home, went to my room and opened a bottle of whiskey. I don’t know how much I drank but I remember Chris going in and telling me something stupid. He was just teasing me as always but he said something about Till and I snapped. I couldn’t take it. I punched him and jumped back into the car. I thought I won’t even make it out of the parking lot but I clearly did. I was driving fast like crazy and I didn’t even see through my tears anymore. I didn’t make it through the turn. I don’t remember anything. I just saw how I’m leaving the road right towards the trees in front of me and then it’s all black. I woke up in the hospital.”

I don’t know what to say. I feel anger and hurt but mostly sadness. I had no clue what he’s been through with Till. I sometimes asked him about his bruises and he just shut me up with a wave of his hand saying: ,,it’s nothing.” I never thought it’s this bad. I definitely didn’t think Till hasn’t showed him at least bit of affection.

I sign and hug him. He tries to push me at first, probably pretending he’s strong and doesn’t need my pity but when I don’t let go, he allows it.

,,I’m so sorry, Reesh. For everything that happened. No one will treat you that way anymore. I promise,” I whisper to his ear while holding him tight. 

,,You can’t keep such a promise, Paul. People are mean. And I don’t think someone could actually love me, so… it’s my fault anyway. I shouldn’t have believed that he loves me. Who could love me…”

 _,,I could, you dumbass!”_ I say in my head and it takes a lot of my energy not to say it loud. Especially with the amount of alcohol that’s in me. ,,Shut up. You’re beautiful, funny and … I love you … I’m sure someone will love you.”

,,Even my brother hates me.”

,,Your brother is an idiot.”

,,True.”

…

We sit in silence for a bit longer when Richard gets up. ,,Time to sleep. I’m exhausted and drunk.”

,,Yea, me too. Hope I won’t fall asleep half way to my house,” I laugh.

,,Non-sense. Sleep here,” he smiles.

,,I should go home, Reesh.”

,,Please, Paul. I don’t wanna be alone…” he says and bows his head. _Of course, he’s still sad._

,,Okay. Your guest room is much better than my room anyway,” I smirk.

,,Right. Because sleeping in guest room would solve my loneliness!” he laughs. ,,Don’t get any ideas tho! Nothing naughty in my room,” he grins.

 _,,No worries, Reesh. I wouldn’t think that,”_ I say in my head. ,,Haha, keep dreaming, Kruspe! You can’t have this body,” I start to shake my ass to tease him. He just laughs and wants to take a step back towards the house. The only problem is that there is the pool. He still laughs and right after that falls down into the pool with surprised look. I’m sad I didn’t capture that on camera. Would be hilarious!

When he finally catches his breath he screams: ,,don’t fucking laugh, Landers!” and swims to the edge of the pool where I happen to stand. Okay, that was not smart. I’m screwed.

…

When we dry ourselves, which is a bit more complicated with so much alcohol, we finally jump into bed. Richard turns on his huge TV covering half of the wall just to turn it off a minute later. ,,I’m too sleepy,” he says.

,,Me too,” I say as I pull up the blanket. The scent of his aftershave is overtaking me. He turns off the lights and signs. I’m glad I’m this drunk, I’m afraid that even if I wanted, I wouldn’t be able to do any show. I’m slowly drifting off to sleep when Richard turns to face me.

,,Thank you, Paul,” he just says.

,,For what?”

,,For everything,” with that he moves closer to me, put one arm over me and his head on my chest. In few moments I hear his steady breathing.

,,Nighty night, Reesh.”


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Days went on and on without any progress being made. Richard was recovering and Paul was by his side.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Something for xmas ;) Altho I'm not sure if I should keep going. Decisions...

Paul’s P.O.V.

,,Paul, get ready!”

,,I’m trying!”

,,Are you? I was ready half hour ago. What’s taking so long?” Richard is shouting from the room.

,,Just shut up and wait. I’m sure you can still work on your hairstyle!” _Ha, that will show him._ I thought to myself.

,,Was working on it for long enough. It’s perfect now. As always!”

_Right, of course, Kruspe…_

When I finally get out of the bathroom I see him splayed on the sofa with his shirt open. 

,,So you’re shouting at me when you clearly need time to button up your shirt.”

,,Why would I do that? This is sexy, Paul!” he laughs and gets up. 

Chris pops his head into the room and checks us out. ,,You ready?”

,,Yes.” Richard answers. 

One maid stops us as we go down the hall: ,,Gentlemen, your mother is reminding you that tomorrow is the gala and she needs you to be there. Sober and clean.”

,,Ohhh, the gala! How sweet of her to remind us,” Richard says ironically. 

,,Mr. Kruspe, she especially said that you shouldn’t drink.”

,,The doc said I can. And that’s exactly what I’ll do!”

,,Yes, but you should take it slow…”

,,Are you my mother or what?! I can do whatever I want.”

,,I’m talking on her behalf…”

,,Then she can say it herself,” Richard said sharply and walked away. 

I thought the drama’s over but no. One would never guess what can happen on the way from the room to a stupid car.

,,Richard Zven Kruspe! Stop right there!” Richard’s mother appeared at the end of the hall. 

,,Uhm, we’re in a hurry, mom.”

,,I’ll wait in the car. Don’t have time for my brothers’ lecture,” Chris says.

,,You stop too, Christoph!”

Chris immediately freezes while she comes to us.

,,Richard, you won’t drink like in the old days. I’m aware of the medical approval but you have none from me. You are allowed few drinks and that’s it for you. Do you understand me?!” she forced him to look at her.

He didn’t keep eye contact for long and was avoiding looking at her clearly fighting the urge to destroy her. Which I know he would never do but commands from his mother were never easy for him. 

,,DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME, RICHARD?!” she raised her voice.

,,Fine,” he said through his teeth.

,,And you Chris, you will keep an eye on your brother. I don’t want to hear any excuses, spare me. He comes back drunk or worse and it’s on your head.”

,,I’m not his fucking babysitter!”

Before I could blink she slapped him hard across the cheek.

,,Language, Christoph!!! And don’t make me repeat myself.”

,,Fine,” he gave her the same answer as Richard. Both of them clearly pissed off.

,,Wonderful. Your father is arriving tomorrow and you better be fine. Have fun, boys. And Paul, keep both eyes on them, they are worse than little children,” she said to all of us and left. 

,,Ehm, shall we go?” I ask.

They don’t reply, just start to walk towards the parking lot. _What a party._

……

When we finally arrive to the pool party of their friends, Chris takes Richard aside. ,,I’m not babysitting you. You drink more than you should and be sure I’ll beat the alcohol out of you,” Chris threatens.

,,I’m soooo scared!” Richard laughs. ,,Fuck off. Mind your own business and I will mind mine.”

,,I mean it brother. I’m not taking responsibility for your bullshit.”

,,Of course, you never did. I wasn’t expecting you would start now. Bye!”

Richard takes me and walks away. ,,Idiot…” he just says.

I nod and head towards the bar. ,,Two virgin mojitos please,” I order.

,,Virgin? Paul? What the fuck?” Richard laughs. 

,,You heard your mom.”

,,Yes. And she said I’m allowed few drinks! I appreciate you wouldn’t drink either cuz of me but really, this is bullshit. We’re not virgins and therefore we’re not drinking like ones! Get us one mojito and one sex on the beach.”

I just smile at him cuz really, what else to do. There’s no point in arguing with Mr. Kruspe. 

During the evening Richard is welcomed by lot of his friends. I’d even believe some of them actually missed him. Well I mean, the girls definitely seem so. And he loves their attention. They are touching him like: ,,ohhh and where were you scratched? Here? Or here? And what about here?” one goes so far that she’s now touching his crotch. Ugh, I’ve had enough of this. 

,,Another mojito, please.” I ask the bartender and sit on the bar. _Bitches. Where were you when he was in the hospital all alone, huh? Probably vomiting your previous dinner, innit? I’m so sick of them. Mostly probably cuz they can touch him tho…_

,,Whats up, Paulie? Not having fun?” Richard put his arm around my shoulders and smiles.

,,I just went to get another drink.”

,,And you happened to stay here, yah? I see something’s bothering you.”

,,You see nothing,” I laugh. 

,,Okay okay! But hey, let’s get you some hook up! You seem lonely. Pick and I’ll make it happen. How about that girl?” he points to some strange looking blondie.

,,No, thanks.”

,,You’re right, I wouldn’t go with that either. Hmmmm, how about that one?” he now points to some tall girl with black hair. She does look quite okay but that’s really not what I’m looking for. 

,,Reesh, I don’t want to get laid, really.” I stop him.

,,Why not? It’s fun! I know I do. No strings attached, you know. Just a meaningless fuck. Just when you need to shove your dick into something and fuck it,” he winks at me. 

_Great Richard, please go on._ ,,Good luck, I’m sure you’ll find someone. I think I’ll go back home, kinda not in a mood for party today.”

,,Of course I’ll find someone. But what is the matter with you? Are you okay?”

,,Sure I am. Why do you ask?”

,,I don’t know. You seem odd…”

,,Nope. All good. I’m going.”

,,Okay, I don’t want to hold you here. But I’d be very happy if you stayed,” he gave me a genuine smile.

,,Reesh, really, I’m not in the mood. Just take care of yourself, okay?”

,,Sure!”

I don’t believe it but I still have hope. And Chris. He probably won’t let him get wasted. On my way out I see someone I really didn’t want to. I stop and blink couple of times to make sure it’s really him. Unfortunately yes, it’s Till. He’s sipping a beer and looks at Richard. I doubt Reesh spotted him, he went to pleasure some of his friends with his presence and is flirting with one girl now. _I’m sorry, Reesh. You’re on your own tonight…_ But at least I’ll tell Chris.

 

Chris’ P.O.V.

_Why is Paul approaching me? We were trying to protect my brother lately but that does not make us friends. I never liked him. He was always around Richard. He’s MY brother!_

,,Chris, can I talk to you?” he asks me.

,,Who is this, Chris? I never saw him here,” one of my friends asks.

,,He’s the poor boy that Richard likes to have around.”

,,Why is Richard talking to someone like that?” he asks again and chuckles.

,,I wish I knew!” I say. ,,What do you want, Paul?”

,,You know what? Nothing,” he says clearly hurt.

,,Wait, you came here to talk to me so I suppose you want something.”

,,Till is here. I just thought you should know that. Bye.”

,,Wait! What?! And where are you going?”

,,Yea, I saw him down there. And I’m going home.”

,,You have to take care of Richard! Especially if he’s here.”

,,No, I don’t. I’ve had enough for today. As you said, “the poor boy” doesn’t belong here anyway.”

,,You never did and yet you stayed with him. Are you jealous? Well, you know, my brother likes to fuck and if you don’t tell him he can fuck you, how should he know?” I wink and make a silent comment in  
my head how well I played this. If he will ever mention to Richard that he wants him, he will feel betrayed. I mean, after all these years, right?...

,,You know nothing. Good night,” he says and walks away.

I guess he could have been a nice boy. If he didn’t want my brother. Richard is mine.

…

,,Doom, why don’t you drink properly? You’re sipping that glass of whiskey forever!” another friend points out.

_Cuz I’m trying to stay a bit sober in case Richard needs me, you prick._ I make a comment in my head. ,,We have some gala tomorrow, I need to be okay,” I shrug.

,,Jesus, since when you care?!” he laughs.

,,I don’t feel like partying today. Dunno.” I reply and fix my gaze on someone. Finally I spotted Till. Seems like he’s talking to someone and Richard is not where he was few minutes ago. _Oh, you little idiot, you didn’t!_ Till walks around that person and I indeed see it’s Richard. Considering he wasn’t facing him he probably doesn’t want him there.

,,Hey Chris, that big hairy guy seems he wants some fun with your brother. Altho I never thought Richard is submissive,” he laughs.

I point my eyes back to the scene and I see why he’s talking like that. Till has Richard in his hands. It doesn’t seem to me like Richard is happy about the whole situation. _I’m going there and once this is over, I’m going to kill you, Lindemann!_

Richard’s P.O.V.

,,Reesh, really, I’m not in the mood. Just take care of yourself, okay?”

,,Sure!” I reply and Paul gets up. 

He did seem a bit off which is strange cuz he was alright at home. Maybe he saw someone here. Who knows. That’s why I wanted to get him some distraction! Hmmm, speaking of which, I should find someone for myself. Richie was too long without a proper fuck, too long indeed.

…

,,Hello Emma!” I greet my old friend. _And by that I mean a fuck toy._

,,Oh hello, handsome!” she greets me back. 

I place a hand around her waist and greet the rest of the group.

After a while I start to feel a bit dizzy from all the alcohol. I mean, I didn’t have much but I was clean for quite long now so I start to feel the effect sooner than before. Which sucks! Need to get back to my alcohol tolerance. Now I need to get out of booze and cigarettes tho. 

,,Baby, I need some fresh air, I’ll come back in a minute, okay?” I say to her a kiss her.

,,We’re outside, pumpkin,” she laughs. 

,,I’m aware, smartass!” I slap her ass and walk away.

,,Hey, you okay? Should I go with you?” she stops me.

,,No no, I’m alright. Later I’ll fake I desperately need your help and take you away but now I really just need fresh air,” I wink at her and go. 

When I get away a bit from the party I feel better. Just few deep breaths and wind do the magic. I look around and see people laughing, partying, fucking… I take out one cigarette and lit it. Oh god, it’s been so long since I’ve smoked! Should I even start again? Fuck it, I love my cigarettes. Just this one and I’ll get back. 

,,This is not healthy for you, kid.” I hear a deep voice. A voice I will always recognize. A voice that gives me chills. A voice that should not be here at all now.

,,Cut it, grandpa.” I say but don’t turn around. I know who’s there and I still hope I have hallucinations from the mixture of alcohol and my first cigarette. 

,,Oh baby boy, I don’t think you want to be rude…” he says in a warning voice.

,,And I think you should get the fuck out.” I’m still staring into the dark and try to keep myself composed. If I turn around and he see him, I’ll break, I know that. Unfortunately he seems to know that too cuz he came in front of me and gave me one of his looks. The “I can see right through you” gaze. ,,Go away…” I say trembling.

,,Why, baby? Don’t you miss me?” he strokes my cheek with his thumb. Chills run through my entire body. I’m not ready for this. I’m drunk and I miss him. I don’t miss the violence and abuse tho. _He treated you bad, Richard. You were not happy._

,,You never loved me. Go away.”

,,Of course not,” he says and grabs me. He presses his body to mine and place a hand on my neck choking me. ,,Who could love you, Richard? Hmmm? No one!” he laughs into my face.

,,Go away. Please…” I beg him and unsuccessfully fighting him.

,,No no, Richie boy, I’m not going anywhere. And you know why? Because you’re mine. I don’t love you, of course not. But I do love fucking you. I love your tiny ass and the noises you make. How you sometimes cry. Such a sweet boy. My boy. Did you really think you crash your car, which was incredibly stupid even for you, and then you’ll pretend we never happened? That’s not how it works. We’re done when I say so and considering I just moved to a new apartment and I need to make it cozy, I don’t think we’ll be done anytime soon…”

,,What the fuck is going on here?!” Chris shouts and tears him off of me. I hold him tight and hide behind him. I don’t care it’s Chris and I don’t care how much he thinks I’m pathetic.

,,Oh hello, Chris. Good to see you. We were just talking. Nothing…”

,,Shut the fuck up. I don’t want to listen to you. Reesh, let’s go, come on.”

I don’t let go. I’m still trembling and holding him.

,,Richard, to the car, we’re going home, it’s okay,” he says.

,,Haha, come on, Richie. Tell him you’re not going home because you’re going to be fucked real good by me,” Till laughs.

Chris frees himself from me and punches him hard. ,,I already gave you a warning, Till. I told you I don’t want to see you around my brother and yet you’re here again. You’re a dead man.” Then he grabs me and takes me away.

 

Chris’ P.O.V.

I drag him away from the scene, away from him. I never saw Reesh this broken. I never saw such fear in his eyes. I shove him into the backseat and sit next to him. He moves closer to me and holds me again with his head on my chest. What the heck is this.

,,It’s okay, Reesh. You’re safe.”

He doesn’t say anything. He doesn’t even flinch. We’re like this the whole drive and when I want to go out from the car in front of our house, he’s not letting go. 

,,Richard, we’re home. We have to get out.”

He just shakes his head. I don’t know what to do. I never saw him like this. ,,It seems we need few more minutes,” I tell the driver.

,,I think you need more than that. This looks like a slight panic attack.”

Shoot! I didn’t think of that. But then again... it’s Richard. He has never had a panic attack. 

,,Richard, let’s go. I’ll stay with you, okay? Let’s just go out from the car.”

,,You promise you won’t leave me alone outside?” he asks. He seems so small and insecure.

,,I promise.”

Then he nods and finally loosen his grip. We get out and the car drives away. He stands there looking down after one short look at me. It almost seemed like he was scared I’ll really leave him there.

,,Let’s go inside, I’ll put you in bed, okay?”

He nods. 

When we’re in his room I turn on the lights which seems to scare him more. I turn them off immediately and go to hug him. I hate to see him like this. I hate to see him hurt, sad or when he feels small. 

,,Go to bed, Reesh.”

He shakes his head again. 

,,You have to get some sleep.”

No response.

,,Do you want me to stay here?”

He nods.

,,Okay, I’ll stay with you.”

I take off my clothes and help him to take off his. Would love to take a shower but I don’t think that’s on option. Instead I lay down on my back and Richard snuggles under the blanket, places his head on my chest and his arm over me. Finally after few moments of me stroking his back in soothing motion he falls asleep.  
Everyone think I’m a jerk towards him and I know I am but I have my reasons. I love him. He can never know. No one can ever know. He’s my little brother and no one is allowed to hurt him. Nor be too close to him like Paul is. I have to tell Richard something about him so he will stop talking to him. So he will send him off and I’ll have him for myself again. Not now tho. Now my baby brother needs me and I’m here for him. I place a kiss on his forehead and drift off myself.


	8. Chapter 8

Chris’ P.O.V

Richard didn’t sleep all night. He had nightmares and I had to wake him up a lot. He was screaming, crying, kicking while sleeping. He said his name so many times. Every time I woke him up he was terrified, I had to reassure him it’s just me and that I won’t hurt him. He calmed down a bit and pressed his body towards mine to seek shelter and safety.

I wonder if he was always such a mess after seeing Till. Of course I noticed his bruises and sacks under his eyes from lack of sleep when he came back in the morning but... I wonder how many sleepless nights he had after their “date”.

We have to wake up soon. Our mom planned a breakfast (most likely to check us up) and then we will slowly get ready for the gala. We have to learn the list of guests, who they are, what they do, what they like and what not… I always hated this. ,,Act nice, Christoph! .. That was not a correct answer, Richard!” Ugh. I so don’t want to do that now. I mean, I especially don’t want Richard to go through it. I wish he could sleep all day and process everything that happened. I guess we don’t have the luxury. Ironic how people think we have it all.

,,It’s time to wake up,” the maid informed me. _Like I didn’t know…_

,,Reesh, wake up. We have to go,” oh gosh, how much I hate to do this.

He just mumbled something and turned away.

,,Richard, wake up!”

He slowly opened his eyes and turned back to face me. I see how sad and devastated he is. With no energy to do anything, really…

,,What are you doing here?”

 _Right, I hate you. True. Get back on track, Chris._ ,,What do you think? I couldn’t sleep cuz of your loud baby cries! So I went to check up on you and you just wouldn’t let go,” I roll my eyes to show him how irritated I am.

,,I don’t think you weren’t free to leave. I didn’t hold you now and I doubt I was holding you during the night.”

,,Yes, you were. Cuz you’re a big baby.”

,,Shut up,” he said and turned away from me so I don’t see his tears. This is tearing me apart. Normally I don’t have a problem to act like a jerk towards him cuz he strikes back. Now he’s broken. And all I want is to hold him, kiss him, comfort him… but I can’t.

,,Suit yourself! You think you can dress up by yourself or should I call the maid?” I tease him.

,,Get out.”

,,As you wish! I didn’t want to be here in the first place,” I say and go away without looking back. I’m afraid that if I looked at him, my mascara would fall and I wouldn’t leave him.

….

,,Where is Richard?!” my father asks from the dining table.

,,I’m sure he’s on the way,” I reply and hear footsteps approaching the dining hall.

,,Oh well well, look who’s here! We are so honored that you cared enough to show your presence!” dad spits towards him.

He doesn’t say a word. Just sits down and observes his full plate.

,,Your father was talking to you, Richard.”

,,Since when do you care about my presence, hmm?!” Richard spat.

,,Since you weren’t supposed to drink cuz you have to be in the best shape today! And yet that’s exactly what you did, isn’t it? You look like a fucking shit. So if you’ll be so kind and make sure you look like a human again, it would be truly amazing! 

,,Hmm, guess my gens are not good enough to be a decent human being.”

,,What did you just say?” our father stands up and raises his voice.

,,You heard me. I’m going back to my room. I’m not hungry.”

,,Look you little shit,” he says and pins Richard on the wall by the collar of his shirt. He suddenly looks terrified. ,,I don’t fucking care about your fucking hangover. Not a tiny bit. That’s your fucking problem. I don’t even care if your boyfriend dumped you. That’s your fucking problem too. Me and my mom gave you the best we had. Too bad it came into such a waste. You’re useless. So at least be so kind and make yourself pretty, will you?!” he then let go of him and smile. ,,You look pale. Eat, that will help.” With that he returns to his seat and continues with breakfast while reading newspapers.

Richard didn’t move a single bit. Is this another panic attack? Is he okay? Does he know what’s going on? Fuck. I must read something about this. I need to know what to do. All I know now is that I need to text Paul. As much as I hate to have him around my brother I can’t help him now. Not with everyone looking.

,,Richard, sweetie? Have a seat,” my mom says and looks a bit worried. Even she noticed he’s not his usual self.

He didn’t even look at her. This is not good. I have to do something. I exchange a look with my mom. She seems clueless.

,,Reesh, come on, let’s go. I’ll take some food and we will go through the list of guests together.” I say and go to take him away.

,,Is he a fucking baby or what? He can eat here like all of us,” my father steps in.

,,Dad, he’s tired… I just…”

,,Tired?!” my dad interrupts. ,,Not my fucking problem!!! If he didn’t drink he wouldn’t be tired. Such a poor Rishie-pie! Let’s all feel sorry for him!” he screams. 

,,He didn’t drink!” I shout back. ,,You have no fucking clue what he’s been through these past months! You have no fucking clue what he’s been through yesterday! You come barely once a year and you start to act like a father? Fuck you! We don’t need you. We’re actually way better without you. You don’t care about us so keep that attitude. We’ll see you later at the gala. I reassure you he will be ready,” I finish, grab Richard and walk away. 

… 

Once we reach the room Richard sits on the bed and looks lost. I kneel in front of him. 

,,Reesh, you okay? You’re safe. You’re at home and safe.”

He nods. He seems to come to his senses.

,,Can you tell me what happened? Why did you get into this?”

,,I just… I don’t know. All that shouting… and how he cornered me… I lost it… I saw Till and I lost it…” he looks at me. He seems so small again. And his eyes are full of … guilt? Do I see that right? Hell no. 

,,Richard, it’s not your fault, okay? This is not your fault. You know our father…”

,,Yea… I can’t break every time someone is mean to me, tho.”

,,It’s gonna be fine. You had a tough day cuz of Till just yesterday. You will be fine in a week, not right away.” I don’t know what I’m talking about. I’m sure he won’t be fine in a week but I can’t tell him that, can I?

,,Maybe,” he shrugs. ,,Ehm… thanks for taking me out. I was glued on the spot. I wasn’t able…”

,,Hush. I know. It’s fine.”

He looks at me again. He seems confused. _You hate him, Chris. That’s what he thinks. That’s how he knows you. And you do hate him for making you feel the way you do. So, keep it together. Time to put the mask on and don’t let it fall._ I can’t leave him like this, tho. As much as I don’t want to I have to text Paul. 

I just walked away without a word. I didn’t know what to say. I mean, I did. But that wouldn’t help the situation and it would confuse Richard even more. It wouldn’t be mean and therefore he would be confused.

,, **He needs you**.” I just texted Paul and closed my room.

…. 

Paul’s P.O.V. 

,, **He needs you**.” I read on my phone.

 _And I need him._ Fuck, something probably happened if Chris texted me. _Of course something happened. You shouldn’t have left him there yesterday, you idiot!_

But I couldn’t watch him flirt anymore. And I had to study for my coming exams. I already screwed up way too many exams as it is. Can’t say I would remember anything I read, tho. I was constantly thinking about Richard anyway.

I take my phone, keys, wallet and go. I want to see him and if he needs me…

….

,,Hello, Mr. Landers, what can I do for you?” a maid asks me when she opens the door. 

,,Uhm, hallo. Is Richard at home?”

,,Yes, of course. He’s in his room, let me take you there.”

_I could go by myself. I know where it is. Just sayin’._

I told her to go when we reached his room. I knocked three times but no reply. I’m going in.

,,Reesh?” no reply. I hear the shower. Okay, that explains it. I sit down on the couch and wait thinking what to do. Not about my situation, about today. Just so you know.

…

After probably half hour the shower finally stops. I nearly fell asleep. Richard came out from the bathroom whistling. Naked. I mean, does this man ever wear clothes at home?! Doesn’t seem so.

He definitely didn’t acknowledge my presence. I cough to bring attention.

,,Shit! Paul!! You fucking scared me!!” he nearly jumps.

,,Haha. Maybe you would notice if you weren’t so busy with yourself!” I tease him.

,,I wasn’t busy with myself! I just had amazing shower and I’m in my room. Where else should I run around naked, huh?” he places his hands on his hips and looks at me with one eyebrow up.

,,Ass,” is all I manage to say. He smirks and put some underwear on.

,,So anyway, what you doin’ here?”

,,I just thought I’ll check up on you. I’m sorry I had to go yesterday.”

He froze for a bit but immediately shook his head. ,,No problem,” he smiled.

,,Was it good? Did you have fun?” I try to get something out of him. I see right through his mascara. He can’t fool me.

,,Yea, I mean… was okay, you know. I got home early, tho. I was tired.”

_Why is he lying to me? Why didn’t he tell me he met Till? Or maybe he didn’t… I saw him but that doesn’t mean Reesh did. Bollocks. He was there just to see him. Why else would Till come to such a party. Maybe they were together and Richard doesn’t want to tell me. He never shared much about this. Only when it got bad and he was scared. But then…_

,,Paul?” he’s now dressed in T-shirt and shorts looking at me with concern. 

,,Sorry. I realized I skipped one chapter for the exam,” I try to excuse myself.

,,Oh. So you have to go…” he says sadly.

,,No! It’s fine, I’ll look at it later.” 

,,You’re such a bad student, Paul!” he laughs.

,,Says the one who passed everything thx to money…” I roll my eyes. 

,,Hey, it’s not like I wouldn’t be smart enough. I’m just lazy,” he sticks out his tongue at me.

,,Ass!” I laugh.

I try to recall how his body looked when he was naked but I don’t remember any bruises. I’m sure that would bring my attention immediately. Well, I’ll just ask Chris later.

,,So, what’s new? Anything interesting?” I ask.

,,Yea, our papa came. We have a super important gala tonight.”

,,Your father is here? Oh. I didn’t know… I guess I better go, right?”

,,Non-sense. Wanna watch TV?”

,,Sure.” 

The thing with their dad is … how to put it … he’s awful. If their mother is cold then I have no description for him. Thanks god he’s not around too much. Every time he was, the boys got lectures, hate, pain… I honestly think he’s a psychopath and I have no clue why someone like that has children. Plus of course, he hates me. I’m not good enough. Even tho in his eyes Richard is nothing, I’m still not good enough. 

I heard it was way worse for Chris. Reesh once told me that their father was really mean and strict with him. He was the firstborn. That’s why Chris started with all drugs and alcohol so early. It was just too much for him. Reesh told me that Chris got high once when their dad was home. And when he found out he had beaten him up so badly that Chris had to go to the hospital. That’s how things in this family work. I live alone but I know my mom and dad love me. I’m sure neither of the boys would say that about their parents.

…

,,Ugh, I have to slowly prepare myself for the evening. Why can’t I just watch telly the whole day?” Reesh sighs.

,,I don’t see a reason why you couldn’t!” I laugh.                                                                                                                    

,,Haha, if only, Paul. If only…” he says and gets up from the couch.

,,I mean… really, why not? Why do you have to go?”

,,Because I do. There’s no negotiating. I’m not dead and therefore I have to go.” 

,,That’s stupid.”

,,That’s how it works. You have to go, you have to smile, you have to be polite…”

,,Soooo, what if you somehow disappear and therefore won’t be able to attend?” I smirk.

,,No. Not an option. I don’t want to go back to the hospital. No way, thank you.”

,,I didn’t mean I would break your arm!” I laugh.

,,I know you didn’t. But that’s the least what would happen when my dad finds out…”

,,What…” now I understood what he meant. He can’t be serious!

,,There are rules, Paul. And this is the main one. And it’s not that bad, you know. Just one stupid gala. We’ll go through it just fine. We always did.”

,,Yea, but… You’re adult!”

,,Exactly. And that means responsibilities. Plus, this wouldn’t change even if I moved out.” 

,,What? You thought of moving out?” 

,,Yah. For a while, you know.”

,,And leave all this? Haha, I doubt that.”

,,You’re right. I’m not leaving my private gym, pool, hot tub, chef, maids…”

,,Yes, you’re rich! I get it!” I laugh.

,,Ass,” he laughs, too. ,,Hand me the guest list, I gotta see if there is someone new.”

….

Richard’s P.O.V.

,,I have to dress up.” The gala is slowly approaching.

,,You still have about two hours!” Paul laughs.

,,Exactly. I need to take a shower that is about one hour and then dress up. You know, suit and tie…. Takes time!” Such an obvious thing. I mean, how come he doesn’t get it…

,,You came out from a shower few hours ago!” he laughs again.

,,That was my morning shower! Now it’s nearly evening. Do you know anything about hygiene?” I laugh too and raise my eyebrow. 

,,Yes, I do! It’s enough to take one shower per day. Especially when you did nothing all day!”

,,Nothing? Excuse me? I was studying!”

Now I see him laughing and laughing and laughing.

,,Stop that!” I laugh too and throw a pillow at him. Not that would change anything… ,,Idiot,” I say and go to the bathroom.

…

,,Wow, you were sooo faaaast!” Paul is teasing me when I get out. 

,,Was I? I don’t even know. I didn’t watch the time.”

,,No, you weren’t. Took you more than an hour. I had a nice nap here.”

,,See? It was good for everyone then!” I smile.

I start to dress up and my phone rings. ,,Can you read the message, please?” I ask Paul. I’m in the middle of buttoning my shirt. 

,,Sure,” Paul answers and grabs my phone. Thanks god he knows the password.

,,Paul?” I ask after few moments that he’s quiet. I look at him and see he sits there and stares at the phone. _Till…._

,,Sorry. I just…” 

,,What’s the message?” I interrupt him.

He lifts his head and looks at me. I’m not sure what kind of look is this.

,,The message is: , **Come tonight. I miss your ass,** ” Paul swallows and looks down.

I sigh. _Fuck._ At least I’m not as terrified as I probably should be. That’s good. Maybe it’s thanks to Paul.

,,Can you reply that I’m at a gala?” I say over my shoulder. I can do this.

,,No. You know what? Reply him yourself. I’m not gonna watch how he destroys you again. You’re on your own, Richard. I hope you enjoyed it with him yesterday.” I see he nearly cries. 

,,Paul? What’s going on? What’s happening?” I go to grab his arm.

,,Nothing. I just said it. I’m leaving,” he looks betrayed.

,,But… nothing happened yesterday. At least not what you think it did…” I heavily sit down on the couch.

,,Yea, right.”

,,Does it seem like some kind of love message?! No! He threatened me, he choked me, he made fucking sure I will feel totally worthless unless his dick is in me! Do you really think I run into his bed after that? And that I will do it now? FUCK NO!” I raised my voice. Emotions came back when I played the situation in my head. Now I am scared. Cuz deep down I know it’s true. I am worthless. Even my papa said it after all.

,,Shit. Reesh, I didn’t know. I’m so sorry,” he now holds my hands and kneels in front of me. ,,I thought you went to see him when you didn’t tell me what happened yesterday. I thought he had you again. That he touched you, kissed you…. And I can’t stand it!”

,,No, he didn’t use me. Mostly thanks to Chris, tho. He took me away. I couldn’t move.”

,,What? You couldn’t move?” he looks terrified. 

,,I had a panic attack. All I could think about was him using me. That was my only thought. And it paralyzed me.”

,,Shit.” Paul hugs me so tight. ,,It will be okay. I won’t let him to hurt you. Never again.”

Even tho I know Paul can’t keep his promise cuz one can never know when Till shows up, I feel relieved. Paul just has this magic power over me. ,,It’s okay. Thank you,” I smile at him. He looks devastated but smiles back. The phone buzzes again.

,, **Come right now or you gonna regret it!”**

No matter how many times I said he shouldn’t, Paul takes my phone and replies. ,, **He’s busy tonight! He has a gala to attend and even you know he really needs to be there. Go fuck yourself, pig! Paul.** ” 

Immediate reply. I don’t want to see it. I want to forget this is happening. Paul grabs my phone and reads. Not for me to hear it. He just does it every time he has a message. ,, **Oh, hello friend zone. Please, be so kind and send that adorable boy toy over to me. It’s also fine after the gala. We already had quite a lot of fun after those events. Ask Richard, I’m sure he will tell you all the details about how I fucked him so good he didn’t even remember his name. Till.** ” Now he froze. And only thanks to that I didn’t freeze myself.

,,Paul…” I lean closer to him and take his face into my hands forcing him to look at me. ,,He’s lying, okay? I’m not saying he was all bad but you can’t listen to him,” I try to calm him down. I’m not even sure why. Somehow it hurts me to see him like this. And I just wonder WHY he is like this. Sure, we are best friends and Till did some nasty shit to me but… is this how your friend reacts?

,,Mr. Kruspe, you have to go,” the maid opens the door.

,,Few more minutes,” I reply not looking at her. I’m still locked with Paul’s eyes.

,,Yes, I see you need that. You are not even dressed yet!! Let me help you or we are both dead,” she says and approaches me.

Shit. I completely forgot. I let go of Paul and let her help me. As much as I don’t want to go I know I have to. My parents would kill me.

Time to put the mask on. You have to smile, Richard. No matter how you feel inside, you have to go and smile.

….

**AFTER THE GALA**

I had quite a lot of drinks during the evening. It was more difficult to smile than usually. Therefore alcohol. I’d even say I’m drunk. Haha.

When I get home I see a figure on my bed. _No no no no no please no!_ I start to panic. Then it moves and I see it’s way smaller than the figure I thought is there. _Paul. It’s just Paul. Calm down. Paul. Till would never wait for you in YOUR bed, Richard. Just. Paul._

I take few deep breaths. What should I do to make this stop? I don’t want to be frightened by him. I have to learn how to fight it. Alcohol doesn’t help, tho.

,,Reesh?” Paul mumbles.

,,Hey. You scared me,” I laugh. Suddenly the whole situation seems funny. Damn you again, alcohol.

,,Uhm, sorry. I just… I didn’t want to go home. I wanted to wait for you. And I fell asleep.”

,,What a knight!” I laugh.

,,Shut up,” he laughs too.

,,I’m going to take a shower,” I say. I need some cold water.

,,I guess I’ll be asleep again considering it always takes you an hour,” he says and I’m pretty sure he rolled his eyes! Even tho I can’t see it in the dark. Bastard.

,,Will take me few minutes! But I guess you’ll fall asleep anyway,” I stick out my tongue (that he can’t see, I know) and go to take another shower.

…

Like brand new. That hidden tequila I keep there turned out to be a great friend!

,,Oh my god, Paul! Are you naked?” I laugh when I join him in bed.

,,Yes! And you’re cold!” he screams.

,,I had a cold shower, duuuh.”

,,And I had one, too. I mean, a normal shower. I didn’t know when you’ll be back so I decided to take a shower. But I realized I don’t have any clean underwear here so I just stayed naked…" 

,,Nice, so you’ll be naked all day tomorrow!” I tease him.

,,I admit I haven’t thought that through,” he sighs.

,,Not at all!” I laugh.

I should probably turn on my phone but I don’t want to. I’ll do it in the morning. I don’t have to wake up tomorrow. 

,,Damn, is this bed spinning or is it just me?” I laugh.

,,Just you! I can’t believe your dad allowed you to drink.”

,,I didn’t precisely ask him…”

,,Bad boy.”

,,Oh yes, that’s why you love me!” I laugh.

,,That’s not the only reason…” he says quietly.

,,What?” Did I hear that right?

,,Nothing. Good night, Reesh,” he says way faster than necessary and turns away from me.

He’s resting on his side and I can see how heavily he breathes. It’s probably the alcohol but I’m playful… 

,,Paulieeee,” I move closer to him and start to caress his skin with my hand. He shivers.

,,Reesh…. Reesh stop….” he whispers. I keep moving my hand from his side to his belly and chest. His skin feels so warm.

,,Why? Cuz you like it too much?” I smile and kiss his shoulder.

,,Cuz you’re drunk.” He’s really trying to control himself, I can tell. But it’s not working. His body is betraying him. He shivers and pants.

,,I know what I’m doing.” Okay, that’s not entirely true but it feels so good. I’m already hard. That much for my self-control. _He’s your best friend. You should stop, Richard._ But my body is not listening. I blame the alcohol.

,,You’re gorgeous, Paul.” He shivers some more. Shit, did that come out loud? Was faster on my tongue than in my mind. I continue to caress him and kiss him. Traveling with my lips to his neck and then I press my body to his.

,,Fuck…” he heavily breaths out. For sure he can feel my cock. I didn’t do anything to hide my arousal. This is happening. This is so happening. It’s been way too long for me. There’s no way I’d stop. I travel with my hand to his crotch and find out he’s not just hard, he’s leaking.

,,,Mmmmh, Paul…” I whisper. ,,Tell papa how you want it.” _Where THIS came from?! Geee. No more tequila for you, Richard._  

,,Reesh, take me. Please.”

I pin him down and get on top of him. I press our hard members together. Just to tease him some more. I’m a dick, I know. And no matter how much I want to make it sweet for him, I can’t. My frustrations and the fact I didn’t get laid so long take the worst out of me. I bite his neck and get a hold of his arms. He seems so helpless under me. _No hurting, Richard. No hurting!_

I kiss him hard on his lips. He welcomes it. I deepen the kiss while trying to reach the nightstand. Not happening, I’m too far. ,,Let me get something,” I detach from him. I have to search a bit cuz I haven’t used any lube here in way too long. There is always some, tho. I just have to find where it is.

,,Ready for me?” I bite him again when I have the tube in my hands.

,,Y-yes,” he answers.

,,Haha. I believe we have to make you ready a bit more, Paulie,” I smile and push my lubed finger into him. Unfortunately for him I’m not very patient right now so I add another finger. He squeezes my biceps but says nothing. I’m working him open while kissing and biting his neck. He will most likely have marks when I’m done with him.

,,Now you ready, Paulie?”

,,Yes! Fuck me, Reesh, please!” 

All I needed to hear. I lube my dick and give him a smirk. I love how he’s under me. I love the control I have. I position myself between his legs and watch myself sliding in. He’s squeezing my thighs with his hands and breathes heavily.

,,Don’t smile so much,” he says between breaths.

,,If you could see how beautiful this looks like you would smile, too,” I say still smirking. _Enough of chit chat, time to get to work._ I say to myself and push my dick fast and deep in. Paul screams. _Oh yea, scream for me._

I fasten the pace hitting him hard. _Fuck, it feels so good._ I’m surprised I didn’t break him yet.

,,Reesh, get closer. Kiss me, please” he begs.

I stop with my murderous tempo and start to slide in and out very slowly. Carefully observing everything again. ,,Reesh…” he pleads. _Right._

I lean closer and give him a quick kiss together with my hard thrust. He scratches my back. I kiss him again and repeat what I did. Loud scream escapes his lips. I’m loving this. I’m in no mood for kissing, tho. I wanna fuck. I straighten my position again despites Paul’s attends to keep me down. ,,I’ll take care of you, Paulie,” I say and take his leaking cock into my hand. He moans and shuts his eyes. I start to thrust hard into him while jerking him off. He won’t last much longer. He’s a panting mess under me. I place my free hand on his neck and squeeze a bit. Not exactly choking him, tho. _No hurting._

,,Reesh, I’m, I’m coming, fuck!”

,,Oh yea baby, cum,” I say and right at that moment he spills his sperm all over his stomach and my hand. I fasten my pace and follow him soon. _Fuck. Oh my god. I needed this. Fuck._ I’m thinking while my spent body falls right next to him. I pant hard try to catch my breath. I feel him going under my arm right before I drifted off to sleep.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Already working on chapter 9 so hopefully to be continued soon.


	9. Chapter 9

Richard’s P.O.V.

My head hurts as fuck. What time is it? I bet it’s like 7am which means I need to sleep more. And when I’ll wake up I won’t have hangover! I wonder how much I drunk last night. I shift to change position and realize someone is lying next to me.

,,Good morning, sleepy head,” Paul says.

,,What time is it?”

,,Around noon.”

,,What? That’s impossible! Feels like 7am.” ,,Well, we went to sleep quite late...”

Shit. Of fuck. No no no! Now I remember what happened. What I’ve done.

,,Fuck! Oh my god. Are you okay? I’m so sorry!” I freak out.

,,What?” he now asks confused.

,,I mean... we.... uhm... I...” maybe it’s only in my head cuz I don’t have a clear mind now. Who knows what happened yesterday.

,,Yes, we fucked, Richard.”

,,Shit. I’m really sorry! Did I hurt you? I don’t know what was I thinking... “ I think I’m not touching alcohol anytime soon. He’s not even gay! It was probably the first time for him.... oh my fucking god... ,,Why didn’t you stop me?! You shouldn’t have let me. Even if it meant to kick me in my guts. I’m so sorry, Paul.”

,,Is this how you feel about it?” he asks sadly.

,,Paul, you’re not gay! It must have been a horrible first time. I am so sorry! I wasn’t thinking, really. I have no excuse for what I’ve done. Just tell me that you’re okay, please. Should I call the doctor?”

He just stares at me and I think I see tears coming into his eyes. Fuck. I did hurt him. ,,Paulie, I’m so sorry. I dunno what to say. Does is it still hurt? What can I do?”

,,Maybe if you stopped acting like it’s the biggest mistake you’ve ever done it would hurt less!” now he starts to cry.

,,Uhm... I just feel like I forced you... I don’t remember all that much but I see your neck and I know we did it. I’m sure I’d stop if you told me to but I can be very persistent...”

,,No, you didn’t force me. Surprised me maybe but definitely didn’t force me! I wanted it. I admit I was imagining our first time a bit differently and probably more loveable but I don’t complain... I’ve always wanted you,” he sighs.

What? “ _I’ve always wanted you?_ ” You’re not gay! I would know something like that, wouldn’t I?

,,But... you’re not gay...”

,,Believe it or not, I am. And this was not my first time. I guess it would hurt way more if it was considering you indeed weren’t that much gentle.”

I need to process what I just heard. He’s gay? All those years that I know him?

,,Why didn’t you tell me? Why would you lie to me about something like this?!”

,,I didn’t lie, Richard. You never asked if I’m gay. I wanted to tell you... But then you started to date Till and you needed a friend. And then you were so broken I couldn’t possibly tell you something like this. ‘Oh hey, just by the way ...’ No, that didn’t feel right.”

,,I never asked because I had no clue! I was naked in front of you so many times... I touched you so many times... because you’re my best friend. Now this is way different.”

,,It doesn’t have to be! I can still be your best friend! I want to be your best friend. And I also want to be your partner.”

,,No, Paul. You can do so much better than me. I would hurt you. I’m fucked up. I probably don’t deserve anyone better than Till. I already hurt you yesterday... I’m sorry.”

,,Are you even listening to me?!”

,,Yes. But you’re not thinking straight. I’m not a man for you. Not cuz of my family and the differences but cuz I’m just fucked up. You deserve someone better than me. And I’m really sorry for what I’ve done yesterday.” I need to make this right. I still feel like I forced him somehow and I can’t stand that. I hurt my Paul. I’m a monster. I guess I deserve to be beaten up by Till.

He starts to cry again and gets up from bed. ,,Yes, I'm not thinking straight. I told you I'm gay." He grabs his clothes and walks towards the door when he’s dressed up.

,,Where are you going?” I don’t want him to leave. I understand if he doesn’t want to look at me, tho. 

,,Home. You didn’t hurt me yesterday, Richard. You hurt me today. Think about it.”

And he’s gone.  
...

When I wake up the second time this day I feel even worse than in the morning. 6pm. Great. No one lies next to me this time... I fell asleep short after he walked away. I was kinda hoping this is all just a bad dream. I mean, the sex was good, at least for me. Don’t think I can say the same for Paul. On the other hand, he said it wasn’t his first time so I suppose he did enjoy it, too. I still can’t believe it. Paul. Gay. I never thought about him like that. And it feels wrong. He’s my best friend! What if he hurt me? To who will I run after? Altho Paul would never hurt me. He has never hurt me so far. “ _I’ve always wanted you_.” I shake my head.

I realize I haven’t eaten yet. Surprisingly it doesn’t bother me. I’m not hungry. My chest hurts and my stomach feels tiny. I also realize my phone has been off since yesterday. I’m pretty sure no one called but still... I should turn it on. Till definitely sent me some texts. Not in mood for him but I’ll have to do it eventually anyway. I could ask Chris to delete all those texts but... right, ask Chris for help. Funny.

Ok, I’m turning the bad news on. Booooom. Missed calls, messages, messenger ... jesus, I turned it off for only one day! Some are from my fake friends and pimps, some from sugar daddys from the gala ( _that much for looking like shit, dad_ ) and the rest from Till...

,, **I fucking mean it, come right now! You don’t want to make me mad!** ” _I think you’re already mad enough, you fucker. You would fucking kill me._

,, **My patience is done. You better think about a death wish!** ” _Of course it’s done. Your patience is zero_.

,, **I’m gonna rip that ass of yours until you bleed!** ” _Considering your ways that won’t be a problem_.

Just some of the texts he sent me. Maybe I should be terrified, I don’t know. All I think about is Paul. How is he? Is he mad? Does he hate me? Why doesn’t he see I just tried to protect him? From me? But maybe he doesn’t want to be protected. “ _I’ve always wanted you_.” Fuuuuuck! My head hurts just from these thoughts. I think too much. No wonder I’m gay. I’m obviously 70% woman.

,, **You know what? I have better things to do now. And bigger problems to solve. Go fuck yourself.** ”

I proudly text him and sigh. It’s easy to have big shoulders when you know you can have two bodyguards behind your back anytime you please. And right now I please to have them with me all the time. In fact... ,,Get the limo ready. I need to go somewhere,” I informed the maid and started to dress up.

...

When we arrive in front of Paul’s house I’m really happy I have the guys with me. First of, I don’t feel comfortable in this neighborhood and second, I’m slightly paranoid about Till. The chances he would wait for me here are basically zero but one can never know. This place feels like if someone commits a crime here no one will ever find out! And I think we can all agree I’m still too pretty to die.

I ring the bell but there’s no answer. Maybe he sees me through the camera system and doesn’t want to talk to me? _Please Paul, I want to see you..._ I try again. Nothing. Okay, you know what? If he doesn’t want to see me then he has to say it into my face so I’m just gonna leave the finger on the ring button. Let’s see how long he can stand it.

,,Oh my god! WHAT?! I’m in no mood for talking to anyone!” I hear through the old speaker. It cracks sometimes but I believe I heard correctly.

,,Oh. Uhm. Sorry Paul. I won’t bother then. I understand that you don’t want to see me,” I reply and my heart sinks.

,,Richard?” he seems surprised.

,,Yea. I thought you see through the camera who it is.”

,,What camera, you idiot? You really think these doors have something like camera? We’re happy the buzzer works! And honestly, it doesn’t work every time.”

,,Haha. Ah. I didn’t know,” I reply. Doors without a camera system? I thought that’s a basic set up these days. It definitely should be in this neighborhood!

,,Clearly. Come in.”

,,And how should I do that? The lock is on,” at least they have that. I’m relieved.

,,The buzzer doesn’t work?”

,,I guess not.”

,,UGH! Fine, I go get you.”

,,Just send the maid,” I say. I mean, yes, it’s me but he doesn’t have to come personally.

He opens the main door and I gotta admit I’ve seen him in better days. I guess I should be quiet, tho.

,,What maid, you idiot?! You really need to wake up.”

,,Oh right! Oh true!! I forgot. Sorry...” I try to apologize. I’m really out of it. _Get your shit together, Richard._

He just rolls his eyes. ,,Why do you have bodyguards with you?” 

,,Just prevention.”

,,Cuz of me?” he asks hurt.

,,No no, of course not! Not cuz of you, Paul...”

,,Oh, so they are not supposed to stop you in case you want to HUUUUURT me so much again?” and now he’s annoyed.

,,What? What are you talking about? I’m afraid of Till... I don’t think I can handle him myself. I mean, I could... I’m strong but he always makes me feel so small that I can’t really do anything...” I look down.

,,Shit. Sorry, Reesh. I didn’t mean to... Uhm, come in. I think we’ve been in the doorway for quite long as it is.”

...

Before we get into the apartment I tell the boys to wait in front of the door. Till won’t climb up the building and go in through windows. At least I hope so.

,,Someone should watch the car, by the way,” Paul tells me.

,,Yea, the driver stayed in.”

,,Right. You came with a driver, of course...” he rolls his eyes.

,,Exactly, of course! I didn’t know if we will drink or not. And anyway, I didn’t think about going alone. Two big guys can’t fit into my sport car.”

,,Oh yea. And it probably wouldn’t be very smart to bring your Lambo here.”

,,See my point?” I raise my eyebrows and smile.

,,Hmmm.”

There’s a tension in the air and I’m pretty certain I know why. I just want my Paulie back. All things should get back to normal.

,,Did your dad leave?” he asks to break the silence.

,,Oh yes, in the morning. He never stays long. Mom’s gone too.”

,,So just you and Chris again.”

,,Yeah. You wanna come over?”

,,I have studies...” he said obviously only to excuse himself from going there.

Right. Studies. I look around and I don’t see any open book nor notepad. Not even a notebook. I do see a bottle of wine, tho. Half empty. _Okay, you fucked this up Richard, you’ll fix it._

,,Paul.... How can I fix this? I needed to see you. I want you back, you know. Things to be back the way they were before.”

,,Sure, let’s pretend it never happened. Let’s pretend you didn’t fuck me. Let’s pretend I don’t want you. I was doing that for quite long so I already know the drill. No problem!”

,,Really?”

,,NO!”

He seems angry and hurt. Emotions I’ve never seen in his eyes yet. At least not because of me.

,,Of course not. I don’t want that from you. I don’t want you to pretend anything.”

,,I wouldn’t even if you wanted me to. So, why are you here?” he’s so cold. Only on the surface, tho. I can see right through him.

,,I already told you. I wanted to see you. I needed to see you.”

,,Okay. You see me. Now what?”

,,Please, don’t be like this, it’s killing me,” I pause. I dunno what to say. How do I make this right again?

,,Paul, I’m sorry. I’m really really sorry.”

,,Shut the fuck up!” he shouts. ,,I don’t want to hear your apologies for the best thing that happened to me! I get it, it’s the biggest mistake you’ve ever done! You already apologized so many times for it that it’s me who feels like I forced you! So please, save your breath. I got it al....” I interrupt his scene by pressing my lips to his. I’ve never seen Paul explode like this. And it ain’t pretty. I can tell he’s surprised but he doesn’t push me back. Instead he returns the kiss and grabs my neck. When I part our lips he looks at me confused.

,,All wrong. You got it all wrong. I didn’t apologize for the fact I seduced you. I apologized for the fact I probably hurt you. Which is something unacceptable. I don’t want to hurt you. Never in any way. You’re the best thing I have in my life. So, you say one more time that YOU forced me to fuck you OR that it was the biggest mistake of my life and I promise I’ll slap the shit out of you.”

He looks at me like he doesn’t even know his name. Haha, he’s adorable. Makes me want to kiss him again. And so I do. This time with more tenderness. I caress his lips with my tongue and give him tiny bites. He starts to tremble. I hold his face and insert my tongue into his hot warm mouth. When I stop the kiss again he looks disappointed.

,,What? You want me to kiss you the whole night?”

,,Yes,” he admits with shaky voice.

,,Haha. Okay, baby. You got it,” I say and kiss him again. I thought it will feel wrong but it doesn’t. Maybe he’s right, maybe we can be best friends and lovers as well. I can totally imagine it now. This time it’s Paul who breaks the kiss.

,,Hey, now I feel cheated. This wasn’t the whole night in the slightest,” I smile. 

,,We have to stop.”

If I ever wanted to die right on the spot, it was at this moment.

,,No no no, not because I don’t want to!” Paul quickly reassures me after seeing my expression. ,,I do want to, a lot! But these walls are extremely thin and your bodyguards are just outside...” he shyly looks at me.

,,Hahaha. Is this what’s all this about?” I laugh.

,,Richard...” he hisses.

,,I don’t care about them. They will hear you scream. So what?” I say and grab his neck to pull him into another kiss.

He helplessly moans into my mouth but breaks the kiss again. ,,Reesh, please...”

,,Okay, I’ll tell them to wear earplugs...” I roll my eyes.

,,Very funny!” he replies irritated but I know he’s not. He wants to smile but fights it.

,,Okay, then I’ll tell them to jack off if they feel aroused from your beautiful moans,” I laugh while leading him to his bedroom. At least I assume it’s his bedroom. The door’s closed and I’ve never been here.

,,You’re an ass! And you’re leading me into the toilet...” he laughs.

,,Yes, I want our second time to be romantic!” I say and see Paul laughing again. We finally make it to the bedroom and Paul makes sure the door is closed. Haha, he’s hilarious.

,,You sure about this?” he asks insecure. ,,Crystal clear. As long as you are.”

Instead of an answer he starts to kiss me. Sloppy desperate kisses. I throw him onto the bed and join him immediately. He’s undressing me and caresses my body with his hands. I copy his movements and soon we are naked. His boner is touching mine and I doubt I can hold back any longer. This all took just few minutes. He’s so hungry. I can see it and feel it.

,,Where do you have the lube, Paulie?” I say between kisses. I want him right now. ,,That much for romance!” he laughs.

,,Shut up. Where?”

,,It’s okay, I don’t need it. I want you RIGHT NOW.”

I pause and look at him. No fucking way I’d fuck him without lube. That hurts and I myself know that very well. ,,You’ll have me right now. Just when you tell me where it is.”

,,Ugggh! It’s probably in the bathroom and I really don’t want you to go anywhere now. It’s okay, I can take it.”

,,No way. I’ll be right back,” I kiss him and get up despite his attends to hold me there. I told him hundreds of times I don’t want to hurt him and this is what I get? My dick is not small! I look at my pride again. _No, not small. Quite big, if you ask me_. I realized bathroom is not a very specific place. Not at all, actually. ,,Any guidance here?” I shout towards the bedroom.

,,Some of the drawers I guess.” I hear back. Great, big help, Paul. I search for a bit and find it in the last drawer. Finally. When I get back I see him touching himself.

,,Wait, that’s my job!” I tease.

,,You weren’t here, were you,” he teases back.

,,I am now!” I say and lie down right next to him. I start to kiss him and replace his hand with mine.

,,Reesh please, it’s taking you ages. I want you NOW!”

,,Someone’s greedy,” I tease him while opening the tube.

,,Yes. And obviously that someone is not you,” he rolls his eyes and laughs.

,,Shut up,” I say and shove my finger into him. He moans and makes no further comment. ,,That’s a good boy.”

When I feel he’s fully open and most likely even beyond ready thx to my urge to keep him waiting longer I lay on top of him. ,,Crap... I didn’t bring any condoms. You have any?”

,,Richard, we already fucked bare yesterday so it’s too late anyway. Would you PLEASE be so kind and FUCK me already?!”

,,I can’t believe you’re so impatient...” I tease him and push in. He clenches his fists and smile. ,,Oh look at you! You’re loving this,” I tease him and kiss him.

,,Shut up.”

I just smile and start to thrust hard into him. I’m kissing every inch of his body I can reach. Where I can’t go with my mouth I go with my hands. I pick up the pace and cover Paul’s mouth with my hand. ,,Ssssshh, you’re moaning like bitch on heat, baby. Did I make you forget about the bodyguards completely?” I laugh and bite his neck. He tries to say something but obviously can’t over my hand. ,,What? That you don’t care because it’s too good? I know, baby, I know!” I hold him for a bit longer grinning and then take my hand away. I’m slowly getting closer and considering Paul didn’t say anything and only pants I’m sure he’s close too. I slip a hand between us and start to jerk him off.

,,Richard, oh my god!” he moans.

I can’t talk anymore. I’m focusing on that enormous pleasure driving through my body. One last thrust and that’s it. I literally explode into him. I blacked out for a moment. When I start to recall my surroundings I realize I still hold his now flaccid dick. Okay, at least he came too. The cold wetness all over us immediately confirms that.

,,Fuck. That was strong...” I admit still trying to catch my breath.

,,Mhmhmhmhhh.”

We lie there totally spent for a while. I didn’t feel this good for a long time. Spent yes but not this good. Happy.

,,Shower and then back to my place?” I suggest.

,,Five more minutes...” he mumbles. How adorable.

,,By the way. What was that with the lube? Don’t tell me you don’t need it... I’m not very gentle even when I try.”

,,Uhm. I never tried without so far but I just wanted you right at the moment. And I’m sure I could have handled it.”

,,Paul, look at me,” I command. When he locks eyes with mine I give him the “no negotiating” look and say: ,,Never do that again. You hear me? Never!”

After a moment he just nods. I know it’s possible going without any lubrication but it’s not necessary. It’s the longer way and not that pleasant way. At least from the beginning. Sure, you can learn how to relax and bla bla but I promised myself to never hurt him. When someone wants to have his own way with you and you’re not ready, you gotta at least lube it up for fuck sake! I learned that from the painful side and I would never do that to anyone, really. And believe me, I want to have my way with him. Can’t wait to take him from behind so hard he won’t remember any other name than mine.

,,Okay, shower time, come on, get up,” I get up myself and offer him a hand. I’m a gentleman.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is not the end!


	10. Chapter 10

**Months later.**

 

Richard’s P.O.V.

I should be happy. And in a way I am but… I feel like I’m doing exactly the same to Paul what Till was doing to me… Okay, not EXACTLY the same. I don’t beat him, I don’t make him feel belittled. At least I hope so. But when it comes to sex I can’t let him top me. I just…. I can’t. It doesn’t feel right. Is it because I don’t trust him? I don’t know. Bollocks, I do trust him. I don’t trust myself. Every time I start to kiss him, every time I touch him I want to tell him to take me. I want to let him know he doesn’t always have to be the receiver. But I can’t. Instead I just pin him down and fuck him senseless. And then I hate myself again for doing it. Paul doesn’t seem to mind in the slightest but I know how frustrated I got with Till. I would ask Chris. I thought he changed after my accident but he doesn’t talk to me at all lately. He ignores me. He doesn’t even say anything mean to me anymore, he just pretends I don’t exist.

I have no one to talk to. Of course I have Paul but I can’t quite bring this subject up with him, can I? I even know how he would react. I see how his eyes go softer, he smiles, he kisses me and says it doesn’t matter. That he likes it and doesn’t have to be on top. And that he loves me.

,,What are you thinking about?” he interrupts my thoughts.

,,Nothing. Why?” I smile.

,,Because you pay no attention to the TV! They just killed a bunny, Richard! They killed a bunny!!! And your face is completely emotionless! I mean… if I didn’t know you’re just deep in your thoughts I would think you’re not human! Poor little bunny…” he makes a sad face at the end.

,,Haha. Okay, poor little bunny. What are you watching, tho?! I doubt it’s a normal channel!” I tease him.

,,I’m watching the movie we chose an hour ago,” he rolls his eyes.

,,Oh…” yep, I totally forgot. ,,Well, the description didn’t say anything about dead bunnies!”

,,It obviously wasn’t the main character…”

,,I’m speechless. How can they kill a bunny without previous warning…” I roll my eyes in disbelief.

,,This is not funny! I’m traumatized! I liked the bunny.”

,,I’m not laughing!” I say trying to get my smile under control.

,,You’re such a horrible person. First you don’t pay attention to a movie I chose, then you barely cuddle me during these traumatizing moments and then you laugh!! I can’t believe you!” he says while laughing.

,,I’m soooo sorry, Paulchen! What can I do to make it up to you? Do you want a bunny?”

,,No, because it might die when you won’t pay attention to it!” he sticks out his tongue.

,,Now you’re cruel!” I laugh.

,,I am traumatized!”

,,Oh, come here you little traumatized thing…” I say and start to make my way with kisses from his shoulder up his neck.

,,Stop it! This won’t help!” he says but leans closer.

,,Let’s see…” I kiss his neck and move my hand to his semi-hard cock.

The advantage of being always in bed and always naked.

,,You can’t hide you like it, Paul. I think it’s helping with your enormous trauma,” I tease him and kiss him deeply.

,,You talk too much!” he says and holds his breath when I fasten the pace.

,,That’s because I feel comfortable with you, Paulie. I can be myself. I can say whatever I want,” I whisper while giving him kisses and jacking him off. It won’t take long, I can feel it.

,,Reesh, I’ll come…” he breaths out.

,,And also because I love you,” I whisper into his ear and kiss him. That’s all it takes. He spills his seed all over my hand and the bedsheet.

After few minutes he looks at me. We don’t even have to talk anymore. I know what he’s saying. I caress his cheek with my thumb.

,,Well, I guess we have to get fresh beddings. Again,” I state.

,,No. Now we have to take care of you,” he says and starts to make his way down.

,,No no no, we don’t. All good,” I smile. I don’t need it. This was for him.

,,What? Who do you think you are, hmm?! Denying me a quick blowie of my boyfriends cock!”

I just laugh. What can I possibly say to that… _Feel free, then?_ Haha, no.

When I stay quiet Paul takes it as approval. When I feel him around me I start to see stars. His mouth is silk and what he can do with his tongue is indescribable. It doesn’t take me long. I moan and make him swallow my full load. Which is actually not that much. We fuck a lot. Thx god.

 

…..

 

Chris’ P.O.V.

That motherfucking Landers. What does he think?! Richard is mine! I can’t even look at him. And I can’t look at Richard for betraying me like this. I’m his blood, I’m his brother! And now they are full of laughs and sex and I’m sick of it! I’m sick of seeing it and I’m sick of hearing it.

When I was little and my father was beating me, Richard always stood up for me. When he heard that I cry or beg my dad to stop, he run from wherever he was and told him to stop. He always got beating for it but not even once thought of not doing it for me. Cuz he knew that he will take few hits but father will stop. And then when dad walked away it was just me and Reesh. He took care of my bruises, he always said that things will get better. He was small, I doubt he remembers.

But nothing changed when we were older. Even then he always stood up for me. One time dad beaten me up so badly I had to go to the hospital because Richard wasn’t at home. He was somewhere with Paul. So no one stopped our father. And he was incredibly mad cuz he found out I took some drugs. I was like 16. When Richard got home he went to check up on me and went rigid when he saw me all bruised up. He immediately took me to the hospital where I had to stay overnight. I asked him to be there with me but he refused. And I saw he’s really sorry. He told me he has to do something. I thought he went to see Paul again even tho it was late. But when I came back the next day, papa wasn’t home anymore. And he hadn’t beaten me up that badly ever again. Richard had a broken arm but didn’t want to tell me what happened. I know he went to “talk” to him. The maids told me.

Our mom never really cared what he’s doing to us. And she was rarely home when he gave us “lectures”. I came up with a theory he was checking mom’s schedule and always came when she wasn’t here. Richard always took care of me. Even tho he’s younger. He was always so strong. Fearless. He knew he couldn’t fight dad (especially when he was little) and yet he always said: ,,Stop. Leave Chris alone.” And dad always liked him more. I mean, who wouldn’t. So he never really beaten him up that badly. Richard always saved me.

It was me who Richard came to when he felt insecure or scared. The fact our dad was abusing us brought us together a lot. We couldn’t cry on mom’s shoulder and if the maids ever said something they got eliminated. It was just me and him. We were building fortresses in our rooms and playing whole night. Even when we were older.

And then one day Richard told me he likes men more than women. But that he can be just with a woman because that’s expected from him. He told me he already was with a girl but he still likes to look at men. He likes to picture the sex with a man. And he was so insecure at that moment. Ashamed. So I told him I like men too. And I told him I already had sex with one. That wasn’t true but I wanted to make sure he won’t feel bad about it. And I told him he shouldn’t care what’s expected from him and he should just do what he feels is right.

When Paul came into the picture I felt the first sting of jealousy. Suddenly it wasn’t me who he run to tell something. Suddenly it wasn’t me who he was telling secrets and concerns. Suddenly I was on the second page. And that was NOT cool. Paul was also the reason why dad beat me so much. If Richard was at home, he would have stopped him. I think that was actually the first time Richard met Paul and they didn’t see each other for quite long after. But then they did meet again somewhere. And I knew Paul will last. So I had to make sure he will last in the right zone which was a friend zone for him. I was manipulating Richard to only see him as a friend. I couldn’t possibly stand the fact he would mean more to him. I never cared about Richard’s one night stands. He fucked it and left. No strings attached. But Paul? That was a different story. I just had to make sure, you know. I was telling him all the time it’s so good he got such a FRIEND. Then I asked him if Paul has girlfriend. I never allowed him to believe he’s gay. Altho I knew right away. I saw how he looks at my brother. Fortunately, he didn’t know either at first and then he understood Richard takes him as a friend. Richard’s one night stands helped to clear that up. I wasn’t very satisfied, tho. He was spending time with Paul instead of me. He was laughing with Paul instead of me. I raised Richard and he raised me. No one can have what we have.

And then there was Till. God how much I hated him. Not only because he was touching Richard but because of how he treated him. And that little idiot fell in love with him! One would say he had enough of abuse as a child but apparently not. Richard always believed our dad loves us in a way. Even tho he never said it. I guess that’s what he figured with Till too. I remember one day when Richard looked kinda scared. It was at the very true beginning of their “abuseship” (I refuse to call it a relationship). I wasn’t sure why he was scared. But then when he didn’t come home I figured. He was scared cuz I know he’s never been with a man as the bottom. And Till definitely didn’t look like one that would prefer being bottom. And I got so mad when I figured. I knew that now Till had complete control over him. I was already plotting in my head what to do. And then Reesh started to come back at home with bruises. Once I saw it only cuz we met at the gym at the same time. You know, Richard is a showoff. He mostly worked out without t-shirt. I asked him what are those pointing with my finger to his body and he just replied those are sex marks. Right. Cuz it’s normal to have cuts as sex marks… not even talking about that big bruise on his arm… When I was looking very suspiciously he explained Till likes to play rough. And when asked if he likes it too he screamed YES! and left the gym. He didn’t convince me at all. I paid Till a visit. I asked my beefy friends to accompany me and I told Till to leave Richard alone. He was just laughing. “That little love sucker is mine and there’s nothing you can do about it.”  
I beat him up so badly when Richard had the accident. If guys didn’t stop me I think I would kill him with my bare arms. Obviously I didn’t know what he did but I knew it was his fault and that was enough of a reason. Now tho…. Now when Richard is soooo happy with Paul… I can’t stand that. And I know how I can stop it. Stop it the way that Reesh will cry on my shoulder again. Cuz that’s meant to be.

I need to visit Till.

 

…..

 

Richard’s P.O.V.

,,Reesh, do you have any idea how could I pass my exam when I knew completely nothing about it?!” Paul looks at me. He just got back from school.

,,Nope,” I play saint.

,,Richard!”

,,Okay okay, I might have stopped by in the principal office…” I start. It was such a good plan! They weren’t supposed to let him pass if he didn’t know even one word. Goddammit!

,,AND?!”

,,Ugggh fine. And I made clear school needs reconstruction therefore money that I’m willing to give, in return of you passing the exams and getting the diploma. Easy.”

,,You must be kidding me…”

,,Why? I want you here with me. Not at home alone studying. And you didn’t pay attention to your studies anyway cuz you wanted to be here and you wanted to drink champagne and eat strawberries in the hot tub. And then you wanted to please your hot boyfriend.”

,,That picture of you like that was so unfair btw!!”

,,Oh was it?” I tease him.

,,Yes, it was!! I was focusing on history and then I see you naked with a glass in the hot tub…”

,,See? You weren’t focused. I told you. It’s hard to focus with a hard on, isn’t it?” I laugh.

,,According to that pic you sent me I wasn’t the only one with a hard on!”

,,Give me few seconds and I can send you new photo! Or better, you can see it yourself cuz you’re here! Thanks to me! You’re welcome!” I smile.

,,Richard…” he sighs. ,,You’ll go there tomorrow and cancel the whole thing.”

,,Right. And why would I do that again? So you can study tomorrow?”

,,Because it’s not fair! I don’t want my diploma to be paid. I want to earn it!”

,,Then study and take this as a backup,” I wink at him.

,,Richard!”

,,I’m not going anywhere. Plus, in case you haven’t noticed, the reconstruction has begun already.”

,,I noticed… I was wondering where the school got money…”

,,Now you know. You saved the school!” I laugh.

,,It’s not funny. How do you think my classmates will react?!”

,,Why should they know?” I say and bite my apple. It’s a good snack. ,,Do you want an apple?” I ask him.

,,No!”

,,Alright, it’s just an apple. You can just say you’re not hungry. You don’t have to shout at me, you know…” I roll my eyes.

,,You’re really missing the point, aren’t you.”

,,Fine, why should they know?! They are not there in time of your exam so you just say you studied. Simple. I really don’t see any problems here. And even if they knew, it’s none of their fucking business.”

,,You just always have to have it your way, don’t you…”

I stare at him. Is this a hidden reference to our sex life? Okay, I have to try… I have to let him…

,,I thought you will be happy you don’t have to study that much… I just wanted to make you happy…”

,,Then ask me first if this is what I want.”

,,I’m sorry.”

,,Hmmmm.”

Uhm. I’m not good at this. But I still don’t get why he’s angry. I was the happiest when I didn’t have to study so I could party all night and enjoy life. The phone buzzes.

,, **Hey, party downtown tomorrow? We weren’t anywhere together for so long.** ” a message from Chris.

,, **Yep, we weren’t cuz ur avoiding me**.”

,, **No, I’m not. If I was I wouldn’t invite you for a party, right**?!” immediate reply. Well, I guess he has a point.

,,Paul, what do you wanna do tomorrow night?”

,,Study!” Fine. I didn’t deserve that.

,, **Okay. Count me in**.” I texted him back.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter 11 already finished so expect it soon ;)


	11. Chapter 11

Richard’s P.O.V.

 

,,Where’s the party again?“ I ask Chris on the way.

,,Downtown. One of my friends. Don’t think you know him.“

,,Ah. Well, okay.“

I can meet new people. I’m friendly and lovable. Still better than sit at home watching TV. Paul decided to study all day and night and I guess I won’t see him the whole week. Sure, punish me for the fact I wanted to make you happy. Good call.

,,You okay?” Chris asks.

,,Sure.”

,,You don’t seem okay.”

,,We just had a small argument with Paul, that’s all.”

,,I was wondering why you didn’t bring him with you.”

,,He has to study.”

,,What?” Chris laughs.

,,I don’t know… “

,,Well, whatever. We’re going to a party! Just you and me after such a long time!”

,,Right, like you won’t run away from me right after you enter the apartment.”

,,Weeeeell… we’re sharing a ride!”

*clap* *clap* *clap*   
I fake enthusiasm.

,,Don’t be like that,” Chris laughs.

….

When we get to the party and enter the room Chris says: ,,Enjoy” and goes on his own.

_Thanks a lot, really._

Well, let’s start with finding a bar in this enormous house. I think I was here before. It has multiple floors all used for a party now. Of course there’s a pool on the rooftop. I see some familiar faces when I’m making my way through the corridor. Not stopping now tho, I need a drink!

,,Hey, where’s the bar here?” I ask one guy on the way.

,,Right there, dude. But if you want something better than alcohol there’s your room,” he pointed to opposite direction.

Hmmm, I haven’t thought about that. And I've been clean for so long… I think I can reward myself. When I enter the door I see a bar with alcohol but mostly with a fat line of some powder. There are bowls full of it on the tables too. The room’s quite big and full with people. Music is playing and everyone here is… well… drugged. Let’s not stay too far behind! Knowing these parties, it’s cocaine. Thx god. I wouldn’t take anything else. Not yet. Just to be sure I try to taste it first. _Oh god, I missed this bitter taste._

,,What do you think you’re doing?!” I hear Chris behind me.

,,Well, I’m rolling this €100 bill and I’m about to snort this fine coke. You?”

,,Are you nuts?!” he stops me and turns me to face him.

I sign. ,,No, I’m not. I know what I can handle, okay? It’s not like I’ll snort this all.”

,,Let’s call Paul and see how he feels about it.”

,,He’s not my mom. I can do whatever I want. I didn’t cuz of the accident but I can take it now. I’m healthy. If I knew you’re here I’d go grab my drink first…” I roll my eyes.

,,You know what? Do whatever…”

,,Thank you! Finally!” I say and lower my head to snort it. I’ll better start slow. Not sure how strong this one actually is and not sure how my body will react.

Perfect. Now drinks.

,,Can I get something here or do I have to go find another bar?” I ask Chris.

He’s looking at me with a strong gaze. Almost like he would be worried. Chris. Right. I guess the coke is starting to kick in.

,,Depends what you want. They don’t have cranberry juice here.”

,,You’re sooo funny!” I laugh. Altho I don’t actually know what I want to drink. I’ll sit here for a bit and then decide.

,,Are you okay? Do you feel dizzy?!” Chris immediately gets closer to observe me better.

,,What? I’m fine! I just wanna sit down,” I laugh again. I guess this coke is really good cuz this is not Chris. I’m sure he’s full of it, too.

After a moment when I fully feel the impact of the drug I get up and get myself whiskey on the rocks.

,,Really? You gonna drink this much, too?”

,,Yes! And I’m gonna snort a bit more cuz I started slowly,” I inform him.

,,Richard don’t. You feel it, right? So that’s enough.”

,,Yes, papi…” I laugh and have no intentions to listen to him.

,,Richard, please…” he pleads. Okay, seriously, who is this guy?

,,Jesus, you’re so annoying! FINE!” I leave.

I can come later. Now let’s find someone to talk to and maybe dance? I saw the same guy I asked before. ,,Bro, is there any other room like that one or is that the only place?”

,,The only place. In case of police and so on, u know.”

,,Right. That make sense. Thanks.”

,,No problem.”

Okay, then I have to come later when Chris is already somewhere else. Hopefully it won’t take long.

…

Finishing my third drink and feeling more the impact of alcohol than anything else. I need coke. _Hope Chris is already out_. I find my way back to the room to find out he’s still there. Okay, I’m gonna pretend I don’t see him and maybe he won’t notice me either. He’s quite busy.

,,Richard?” I hear him again.

,,WHAT?” this is annoying.

,,Can’t you stick to drinks? I mean…”

,,No, I can’t. And if you excuse me I need to get something of this into me. I feel dizzy from the alcohol.”

He just signs and looks at me. Really don’t know what’s his problem. I’ll take way more than before. At least I wanted to… ,,That’s enough.” Chris stops me in about half way of my planned amount.

,,Okay, this is really none of your business, Chris! You ignored me few months now, keep going! I definitely liked it better!” I shout at him really pissed. He never cared how much I take, what I take, with who and where. I think that attitude needs to come back.

,,It is my business cuz you’re angry and this is the first time after a while! You’ve had enough.”

,,Fuck off,” I say and snort more but he stops me again. _Fuck you._ I’m outta here.

I feel energized and amazing. Don’t see the girl I was talking to anywhere. She was kinda nice, maybe I’ll try to find her. I mean, I wouldn’t do anything, I’m not stupid. Even tho I feel horny. Happens every time after coke. But no, I have Paul and I love him. And he loves me. I’m sober enough to know that. Another good thing about coke, you know what you’re doing. You just want to fuck a bit more but you can control it.

There’s so many people here. Music is playing in every corner, every room. I accidently entered one room and disturbed a fucking couple. ,,My apologies…” I laughed and closed the door. Everyone is mostly in the corridors and common areas. This house has enormous amount of rooms too. I guess that can be handy when you want privacy. Now I got into some silent zone. Music is playing but this corridor is empty. I hear people on the other side so I decide to go. I went through half of the corridor when someone suddenly pins me to the wall facing it.

,,You look lost, kid.” I hear that so familiar voice.

,,I’m not. Leave me alone!” I try to set myself free but I have no chance. Till’s always had a strong grip.

,,Ssssh now. Don’t be mean. I missed you,” he presses his body on mine.

,,Go away,” I nearly sob cuz I know I don’t have a chance to get away this time.

,,Ssssh, come on, Reesh. Don’t cry. I don’t want to hurt you,” he whispers to my ear and frees one of his hands to cup my cheek. His grip is still way too strong for me to do anything.

,,Since when?! Hurting me is your joy.”

,,I said don’t be mean,” he raises his voice and bites my neck. I cry out.

,,Leave me! Please, leave me…” I beg. That’s how desperate I am.

,,Is that really what you want, baby boy? Don’t you miss this body even a bit?” he’s now caressing me with his hand. Sliding under my shirt. I don’t remember him this tender. He’s holding me tight, yes. But I know how he normally does things and it’s nothing like this.

,,No, I don’t.”

,,Richard, what did we say about lying?” he presses himself even more on me. He’s crushing me with his heavy body against the wall. I can’t breathe. He seems to notice because he allows me some air. He’s still pressed on me. I can feel his chest raising up and down from breathing. I can feel his breath is heavy. I can feel how warm he is. His broad shoulders… he’s nothing like Paul. And that was the good thing about Paul…

,,Answer me, Richard,” he demands when he sees I can breathe again.

,,No…” I try again. This time I’m sure I didn’t convince him. I brace myself for the pain.

Instead he laughs and cups my cheek again. Then he gives me a kiss on it. I hate myself but I’m getting hard. It’s the coke. And Till. He’s always had this effect on me. And he’s tender and I can’t process that. I don’t know tender from him. Not for a very long time at least.

,,So tell me, Reesh. How is it going with Paul? How’s the sex?” he purrs.

Till knows…. He knows I didn’t let him… he must know… but how?! No, that’s bollocks. It’s just in my head.

,,It’s great!” I try. And it is actually great. It’s just not IT…

,,Really?” he asks amused and keeps stroking my body with his hand. I’m really getting hard down there. He’s using that deep manipulating voice he knows works the best on me. It always sent shivers down my spine.

,,Hmmm.”

,,Then why didn’t you let him fuck you, Reesh? You must miss it so much. We both know you love it. Sure, I understand now that sometimes you need to stick your dick into someone but most of the time you love being fucked. So tell me, pretty, why didn’t you let him?”

I just shake my head. He cannot know. It’s impossible. He’s fucking with my mind. Again. But I won’t let him. No…

,,He’s great as top,” I lie.

He bits my shoulder and scratches my hip. ,,You know I hate when you lie to me!” he raises his voice again. I’m trapped.

,,Fine! I didn’t let him, okay?! I didn’t! Hope you’re happy. Now leave me,” I beg him again and hate myself for this outburst.

,,Haha, I know you didn’t, kid. But I wanna know why. I mean… I want to hear it,” he purrs and kisses me again. He’s still caressing me, kissing me… He’s messing with my head so much…. That’s the only familiar thing. Otherwise I don’t recall him being gentle, patient…

,,I don’t know. It just doesn’t feel right…” I admit and curse myself right after I said it. Of course it doesn’t feel right. Paul is nothing like Till and his strong body.

,,Hmmm. And do you want to know why?”

,,I guess it just takes time.”

,,Takes time? With your lust for cock inside you? Hahaha, no kid, it doesn’t take time. Would it take time now? For me to fuck you?”

,,No…” I admit. No point in lying.

,,Good. Then I’ll tell you a secret. You will never let him. And do you know why? Because you’re mine. Do you really think I only said it? Just like that? No Richard, I informed you. You will never belong to anyone else.”

Now I’m trying to set myself free again. With all energy I have left. I know he’s right. I just didn’t want to name it. But I know and I refuse to listen to this. I need to get my cock under control and get away as far as I can or bad things will happen. I want him. And I want him bad. I need to get away from his manly musk and that hard cock I can feel on my ass. The problem is, I can’t. The only thing I achieved with my attempts was getting Till to throw me into one of the rooms and pinning me down again. We basically didn’t change position at all. We just moved to the other side of the wall. Why didn’t I notice the door right next to me?

,,Easy now. I can give you what you want, Richard,” he purrs into my ear and completely dismisses any of my attempts to free myself.

,,I don’t want you!!! I love Paul! Let me go.” I start to cry. Mostly because of the lust I feel. _Deep breaths, deep breaths, Richard._

,,Then why are you hard?”

,,I’m not hard,” I tried. Okay, that was silly.

,,Oh really?” he asks and grabs my hardness through my pants. I moan. He starts to rub it. And I’m losing it.

,,Hit me.”

,,What?” I took him off guard.

,,Hit me,” I demand again. I’ll lose it soon if he won’t stop being nice. I need to see the beast he is. I need him to inflict pain on me so I can hate him again. I can’t say no to his tenderness, I’m not strong enough. I want him and that must stop.

,,Why would I do that to my perfect boy?” he now unzips my pants and frees my hungry cock.

,,Please, hit me, please…” I cry out. I hate myself for wanting him. For wanting him to fuck me. I need pain to wake up.

,,I won’t hit you, Richard!” he shouts.

,,Why? I know you want it. You love it. Hit me.”

,,No!” he now steps away and takes me with him. His body the only steady point. He holds my body so he had to loosen my hands. ,,I want something completely else, Reesh. I want this. I want you,” he whispers again and kisses my neck. His hands roam all over my body and I just moan. I feel how hard he is. I feel him pressed between my ass cheeks. My hands are free but instead of punching him I bring him closer to me.

,,That’s my boy. Give in, baby. I’m not gonna hurt you,” he says and I believe that. He hasn’t hurt me so far. ,,By the way, Reesh. Is this your not hard cock?” he laughs and starts to stroke it again.

,,Ehm. It’s the coke…” not giving him the satisfaction of admitting I’m this hard cuz of him.

,,Ohhhh, are you still high, Reesh?” he teases me with light kisses.

,,Yes.”

,,Good. Then you can blame the drug for all this,” he replies and leaves my cock. I hear he’s unzipping his pants. I should run away, I really should…

,,I know what I’m doing.”

,,You know that, I know that and no one else needs to know that, baby,” he whispers and presses himself on me again. I feel he’s naked. _Run, Richard, run…_

,,Till, I can’t…” one last desperate attempt.

,,Be without it? I know,” he said and pushed me on the wall again. He took off my shirt and made me step out on my shorts and underwear. I’m not even trying anymore. But I hate myself already for wanting this.

He gets close to me and touches my cock again. I reach back and start to stroke his. I almost forgot how big and heavy it is. This is gonna hurt. I tense a bit.

,,Shh, even tho I trained you well I’m not going dry in you, Reesh. I promised not to hurt you, didn’t I?”

I nod. I hear him taking his pants. Does he always have a lube in his pocket? I guess not but thx god he does today.

,,So, before I make my dick-ah all slippery, I have something for you.”

I look back over my shoulder and see him holding little bag full of something white.

,,I saw Chris was giving you a hard time in there. So I took some for you. You want it, baby?”

I nod and turn to face him. Only after few seconds I realize what he just said. ,,Wait, you saw it? You were there?” Now I feel like I should really run. Not that I shouldn’t before…

,,Of course I was. I knew where you are the whole evening. And I figured you might appreciate this,” he corners me again and waves with the pack in front of my eyes. ,,So, how do you want it, Reesh?”

_Deep breaths…_ it might also not be coke at all. But why would he be so nice the whole time? He never liked it when I was completely out of my mind cuz I couldn’t fully “enjoy” what he was doing. I guess he says the truth. But I should go away anyway. No matter how much I want it. No matter how much I want him. No matter how hard I am.

And he probably sees that cuz he comes closer and presses his body on mine. He presses his hard member on mine and gets a hold of my neck. He’s not squeezing it tho. More like just holding it. He starts to rub his cock on mine and kisses me deeply. I place my hands on his back and press him even closer. When we part I know I’m screwed and surely he knows that too. I’m not going anywhere.

,,So now, where were we?” he says in that deep tone again caressing my cheek. He moves his thumb to my mouth playing with my lip. The atmosphere is so heavy. ,,How do you want it, Reesh?” he purrs again.

,,Doesn’t matter… anyhow you like…”

,,I was talking about the coke, baby,” he smiles amused.

,,Oh… uhm…” I look at him unsure of what to say. I know how I want it. But I don’t know how to ask for it…

,,Just say it. Tell me.”

,,On your … doesn’t matter,” I don’t finish.

,,You want it from my cock, don’t you? Cuz that’s something Paul doesn’t allow you to do, isn’t it?” he asks amused.

I just nod.

,,Well then, on your knees, Reesh.”

I do as I’m told. It’s not like I wouldn’t feel the drug anymore but I can take more. I want to. Especially like this. Paul is not very happy when I get high so asking him to have a body shot is kinda out of topic. Till has a lot of place there so the line is quite long and also quite thick. But he made sure he didn’t get any on his tip. It’s anesthetic after all. I doubt he wants to be denied the pleasure of cumming.

,,Is it too much?” he asks.

I shake my head. I can take it. I took way more back in the days. He hands me a rolled bill and I take what’s offered. I look back up at him and take the tip of his cock in my mouth. He clearly didn’t expect that. I swallow down his full length enjoying the bitter aftertaste from the coke.

,,Oh god, I forgot how good you’re at this. My perfect boy,” he growls in low tone and starts to fuck my face. By the time he stops I feel the coke kicking in like a storm. ,,Enough, baby. I’d cum in few moments and there’s no fun in that, is there?” he lifts me up and kisses me.

,,Don’t you want a bit of the coke? It’s really good!” I ask him. I never saw him doing drugs tho.

,,No. You’re my drug,” he says and turns me around. He presses his body on mine again. ,,Hands up on that wall, Reesh.”

Again I do as I’m told. He presses himself on me and I feel him everywhere on my skin. I feel his heat, his heavy cock, his hands caressing my body… he starts to stroke me again and I hear he opened the lube. The only thing I can think of now is him fucking me. I want it so bad. It’s the bloody coke.

When I feel his sticky tip pressing at my entrance I hold my breath. He starts to stroke me faster. I’m waiting for him to push inside but it’s not coming.

,,Till…” I breathe out.

,,Are you enjoying yourself, baby?”

,,Hmmmm,” I’m not able to say anything.

,,And do you want something else than me touching you?”

I nod.

,,I want to hear it, Richard,” he says and puts bigger pressure to my entrance. I just shiver.

,,Fuck me,” I plead.

,,Fuck me who?! Is this how you ask for a favor?”

,,Till, fuck me!” I scream. I can’t take it anymore, I need it. I need him in me.

,,Better. That’s my good boy,” he appraises me and pushes in. I bite my forearm not to scream out loud and do my best to relax. _Heavy breaths…_

,,Such a good boy, you are. Is this what you wanted, Reesh?”

I’m nodding like crazy. I know he wants to hear it tho. ,,Y-yes.”

He slides out of me and turns me to face him before I can complain. ,,I want you to see who’s doing you so good,” he pushes his cock back in. ,,And I also want to see your face. Your eyes full of lust, your partly open mouth…” he whispers and starts to fuck me. It’s been a while since someone did it. Well, that last one was the same man that does it now. It kinda hurts at first but it’s the good kind of pain. The kind that tells you you’re completely filled. I moan and place my head on his shoulder. I kiss him and scratch on his back.

,,Look at me, Reesh. Don’t close your eyes and don’t turn away from me,” he commands. I try as hard as I can, not to close my eyes but the pleasure is overwhelming. He makes sure he’s rubbing my dick between our bodies. Then he stops again.

,,No. Please no,” I cry out.

,,Sssh, you’re getting it back, baby,” he smiles. ,,I’m sure you know now who’s doing you good, don’t you. So I wanna do our favorite position,” he says while pushing me down on my knees. That’s gonna be doggy style. He loves it and I do too. He always hits the spot like that. ,,I guess you need to get away from that wall a bit,” he winks. When I’m set he kneels behind me and slides back in. I hold my breath at first and then moan so loud. Nothing exists now, only him in me. He starts to fuck me fast and hard and my body shivers. I’m afraid my arms won’t be able to carry me for much longer. Plus, I really want to touch myself. I wander with one hand to my dick and Till immediately stops thrusting.

,,Don’t stop,” I cry out.

,,Reesh, you trembling so much I’m afraid to slam harder cuz you would fall. And now you think you can handle it on one arm only?” he laughs while fucking me slowly. And I can’t really talk. I guess the combination of coke and such sensation is too much to handle. ,,So now, place the arm where it was, will you…”

,,But…”

,,No, you won’t touch yourself baby, leave that on me,” he says and fasten his pace again. I can feel my climax built up but I need the touch. It’s getting more and more intensive with every thrust to my sweet spot.

,,Till, please…”

,,I want you to cum untouched, Reesh. Can you do that? Can you cum just from me fucking you?” he asks again with his deep voice and leans down to kiss my back. I nod. I feel like exploding any minute but I still can’t. He fasten his pace and his thrusts are harder, hitting the sweet spot with enormous strength. I can’t hold on my arms anymore I tremble like crazy. I think that has something to do with the coke. I rest on my forearms which only adds to the sensation as the position changed slightly. I feel he’s close. He’s slamming into me like there’s no tomorrow.

,,You’re mine, Reesh. I believe you understand now,” he whispers. I feel I’ll climax any second now. It’s so intense. I never felt like this. I’m afraid I’ll really explode when it comes. ,,You’re perfect, Reesh. My perfect boy…” Till says between breaths and I climax. I scream out his name and blackout. I felt him filling me along my own orgasm but then my vision got black. When I’m conscious again I feel his sweaty body resting on mine. We both collapsed. I’d say it was stronger than ever even for him. He starts to withdraw from me and I stop him. I want to enjoy the feeling of being filled. Of being fucked. Until I slowly realize what happened here…

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thoughts?


	12. Chapter 12

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's been some time... I know and I'm sorry. You should thank Kvalik to make me write again ;)

It took me a while to gather myself. When I finally did I run from that room as fast as I could. I run from the house and I stopped in a park that was nearby. I sat on a bench, lit up a cigarette and looked at the sky. I didn’t go home immediately. I sat there and stared at the stars.

_Am I even allowed to see such beauty now? No, I guess not._

I put my face down and lit up another cigarette. _What the fuck was this? WHO the fuck was this?_ I feel like it was just a dream. Bad dream because I have Paul. Yet it felt so good. It didn’t feel right but it felt good. And then I remember all those things Till said. ,, _My perfect boy ... You're mine._ " ,, _No, I'm Paul's_." But am I? Am I really? I feel disgusted with myself. First because of what happened and then because of how much I wanted it. Do I want Paul to fuck me? No. Do I want Till to fuck me? Yes. What is wrong with me?! I have the best guy on the planet and I cheated on him. I betrayed him.

How can I look him in the eyes and tell him I cheated? I can’t tell him. I have to, tho. It's the right thing to do. He deserves to know.

_He will leave you._

_And yet you should tell him._

Voices... they think they know better. _Thank you very much my cocaine self._

Can I blame everything on being drugged tho? No. I took it myself. The coke and the cock.

My thoughts interrupts the fact I don’t have another cigarette. I reached into the pocket and the box is empty. I look down and see I had at least 15 already. Maybe that's why I'm dizzy. I'm not used to it anymore. I was thinking and smoking. Autopilot, you know.

Time to go home. Paul is not there anyway so why should I stay here on this smelly bench. _Cuz_ _yo_ _u deserve it._ Yes, I do. Maybe I should just go and end it. Everyone would be relieved, right? I'm a walking disappointment. Well, sitting disappointment right now.

,,Here you are!" I hear some voice. I turn in that direction and see Chris running to me. ,,Are you nuts?! Do you know how scared I was when I saw you running away like that?!"

,,Sorry. I... " what should I tell him? That I was trying to run away from my actions? That I thought if I run fast enough maybe it will all go away somehow? ,,I just needed air," I finish.

,,You needed air and that's why you run like crazy? HERE?! Do you know how far this park is?" he shouts.

,,Next to the house."

,,No Richard, it's at least one kilometer."

,,Oh. Well… technically next to the house then."

He stares at me. ,,Richard, what's going on? What happened?"

,,Nothing. I'm going home. Thanks for stopping by."

,,You're pale. You don’t look good at all. Should I call a doctor?"

,,According to you I never look good. And sure, go ahead, call him and tell him I had some coke. He will be pleased. Speaking about which, don’t you have some?" Maybe if I send myself into comatose I won’t feel so disgusted with myself.

,,No, I don’t..."

,,But you have some at home, right?"

,,Richard..."

,,Means yes. Can we go home then? I don’t wanna go to that house again. 

,,We're going home but I'm not giving you anything."

,,Fine. I'm going to the house." _Please don’t make me, Chris_. Unfortunately I decided I really want to forget and coke will obviously help me. Not really but what my head decides...

,,You're not going anywhere but home!" he grabs me and drags me away. 

,,Fine! Let go of my arm, I can go by myself." I'll ask him later for what he has. I really dont want to go back. What if Till is still around...

...

Once I got to my room I took long shower and drank a bit of that tequila I had there. Coke won't help, alcohol will. Now I'm back in bed and I'm cold. And alone. With my thoughts. Someone shoot me, please. I start to cry when I catch Paul's smell from the beddings. I can't sleep here. I don't care how Chris will look at me, I don't want to sleep alone and I don't want to sleep in this bed until the maid changes the bed sheets.

.

.

.

Chris' P.O.V.

_Okay, maybe this was too much_. I also didn't really count with cocaine. Reesh always gets a bit too much on it. But when I saw him run away (and thanks god I did) I knew something happened. I mean, of course it happened, I planned it. I went for Till, I sent him there and I paid him quite some amount not to fucking hurt him. Physically.

But when I got to the park his stare was completely blank. I don't think I wanna know what he was thinking about. Then of course he asked for drugs. His way of escape. I couldn't possibly give him that, could I. I think he had more than enough for the night.

He didn't say anything the whole ride back. I know my brother. I know he's sensitive even tho he's trying really hard not to let on. So I knew he will be a bit smashed if he will cheat. And I was sure he won't resist Till. Especially if he's tender. Richard always wanted at least a bit of affection from him. He lived from those little moments when Till was nice. 

I doubt he would send him away even if Till was his normal self but I was sure he won't send him away if he was playing nice. And that's what I needed. Reesh got fucked, he will tell Paul in tears hoping that maybe somehow they will sort it out but they won't. Paul will dump him and boom, I have my brother back. _Good plan, Chris._

And how I convinced Till? Easily. It's not like he would be disgusted with Richard. No, he does think he's beautiful. The problem is he likes to put bruises on that beautiful body and that's where we have problems. This time tho I wanted him to do what was necessary. And I didn't want to inflict any pain on Reesh. I knew that wouldn’t work. So I talked cash. Till was always just about money after all. I guess Richard could have been ugly as long as he would be rich. Till was just lucky to find a beauty with money. Therefore I gave him enough and told him he gets the rest when Reesh comes home without any fucking cuts. Still have to investigate that.

I'm almost drifting off to sleep when my door open. It's dark but I know it's Reesh. I know the way he walks, they way he moves... Plus, we don't have any other men inside the house.

He says nothing. He just quietly gets to bed, under the blanket and then next to me. He waits. He's scared I'll kick him out. _No, I wouldn't do that, Richie_. I move closer and put my arm around him. He relaxes.

,,Good night," he whispers.

,,Good night, Reesh."

.

.

.

Richard's P.O.V.

The next day I didn't do much. Normally I would probably call Paul to check up on him but I didn't even dare to touch the phone. I also realized he cannot come for at least 3 days cuz I do have some marks on me from the biting and strong grip. Normally I'd say he's being silly cuz those are from him but he doesn’t do those things. He doesn’t bite me. Not this much at least.

That being said, I need to keep myself unavailable. At least until it fades a bit. I will tell him what happened but that doesn’t mean he has to see it. I look in the mirror at myself. I look at the red spot on my shoulder and immediately remember how it happened. The strong grip... what happened after... and my cock twitched. _No no no, don't even think about it! You already got us into enough trouble_. Stupid dick.

I was also kinda afraid Till would call. But no. It‘s already evening and nothing. Not. A. Word.

Can someone help me out here? Like really... what the heck. He was nice. He was sweet. Yet he fucked me like no one ever. Well, no one else ever did, true. But I bet no one would do it better. My ass is still sore and surprisingly I love it. I obviously missed even that. God dammit. Yet the idea of Paul being on top just doesn’t seem to thrill me. Not at all, actually. Was Till right? Am I his? Did he fuck me up to this point? Or was I fucked up even before?

I need a drink. My secret tequila in bathroom is finished and I dont wanna drink the whiskey I always keep here. Or do I? Maybe I do. Whiskey sounds nice. And I need to tell the maid to get me another tequila. Just in case. No one took tequila away from me after the accident. No one thought I‘d keep some bottles hidden when I have a bar. I was always sneaky.

I climbed back to bed and took the bottle with me. I even took whiskey glass. I‘m fancy. TV is on and I hope I‘ll pass out soon. Don‘t wanna think about anything anymore. Especially not about Till. And of course he was on my mind the whole day.

,,Hey, don‘t u wanna watch some movie?“ Chris comes in. This time he at least knocked. He knows better now.

,,I‘m just about to.“

,,Care if I join?“

,,Nope.“ Somehow he‘s a comforting company. If he won‘t get bitchy about me drinking too much.

,,Do you ever wear anything else besides underwear?“ he laughs. I‘m spread on the bed cuz it‘s too warm under the blanket.

,,You‘re lucky I have some clothes on. Normally I don‘t wear anything in my room,“ I chuckle. 

,,Show off.“

,,Oh right! You would be too if you were blessed with such body,“ I tease him.

,,Yea, I don‘t think so,“ he rolls his eyes.

He was observing my body for a while and it annoyed me. ,,Why are you looking at me? I mean, we just agreed I have great body but that doesn’t mean you have to stare at every inch of it...“

„Oh. Sorry.“

,,Weirdo.“

...

That was a weird night. I had dreams about Till and Paul and I felt like I can't breathe. I was quite happy Chris slept here. I think it would have been worse if I were alone.

I told the maids to inform me if someone will come visit. I got paranoid. What if Till will show up for another round and Paul walks in? Technically if Till will show up I'll send him away. In that case Paul won't see him and everything will be fine! Technically... 

But it's eve already and no one showed up. I miss Paul. I'd call him but I dont wanna hear him bitching that he has to study. And I also don’t want him to come over. I mean, I do. But at the same time I don’t. _Why did you have to fuck everything up again..._

I decided to play some guitar for change. I barely touched it lately. Which reminds me we should definitely jam again with Paul! _And how will you do that after he leaves you?_ Oh. Right. _Yep, you forgot._

,,Sorry to disturb you sir but you have a visitor," the maid informs me.

,,Who?" Heart beats faster, sweat appearing at the back of my neck...

,,Paul."

Thanks god. I decided to ignore the fact I got slightly excited at the possibility it's Till. _Wrong, Richard, wrong!_

,,Send him in in five minutes." I state and go grab some T-shirt.

When I'm dressed he enters the room and gives me one of his smiles. I see he's carrying two boxes of pizza.

,,I thought you have to study," I say. Not in a mean way. I just dunno what to say. _Hi Paul, nice to see you. By the way, I let Till to fuck me. Oh, and I was sky high!_

,,I do. But I missed you," he smiles again and hugs me. ,,I can't concentrate," he continues and kisses me. And I tense. I cheated on this sweet guy. I cheated on my Paul.

,,I missed you, too," I say and hug him. _One last time._

,,I brought pizza! I know you have a chef here but I also know you're always hungry," he grins.

,,Hey! Not always..." I laugh. ,,Which pizza did you take?" I curiously look at the boxes.

,,Of course your favorite."

,,You're the best!" To be honest I'm not really hungry. My stomach feels tiny.

,,Yes I am! Happy you noticed," he smiles again and hands me the pizza.

I did notice, Paulie. I did. I take the box from him and sit on the couch.

,,Hey, I was hoping to eat in bed! As always. And watch a movie. As always."

,,Oh. Sure, we can do that."

,,Reesh, are you okay?" he asks concerned. That doesn't help me.

,,Of course, love," I answer and put a fake smile on. It's better to tell him with full stomach. _Let the man eat first._ I tell to myself and grab the pizza towards the bed. 

,,You're unusually dressed! Not taking the shirt off today?" he smirks. 

,,No no, I feel a bit cold," I lie. A w _ay to go, Richard, a way to go..._

,,That's why there's blanket," he winks and holds it up for me.

,,But I can't eat with blanket up my shoulders!" I laugh. ,,Anyway, what you wanna watch?" I try to change the topic. 

,,I don't care," he smiles. And I have to look away from him. From his soft eyes, from his kind smile...

,,Very well. Let's see what we have."

... 

I ate one slice of pizza and that's it. I'm starting to panic. Paul ate everything and seems genuinely happy. Who am I to destroy that?

,,I think you're really getting sick, Reesh. Just one slice?! I've never seen that!" he laughs. _Sick. Yes, that I am._  

,,I have to tell you something, Paul..."

,,Are you okay? Is there anything I can do for you?" he immediately looks at me with eyes full of concern. ,,You can tell me everything, Reesh. You know that. I love you," he kisses me and places his head on my chest holding me with his hand. And my chest burns inside.

,,Paul, look at me," I say. And he lifts his head and waits for me to say something. But I can't. It hurts so much. The idea of losing this hurts so much. I wanna scream and slap myself. 

,,Reesh, what is it?" he nearly whispers. I can say he's scared.

,,I… I missed you. I love you," leaves my mouth. I can't tell him. I can't. _Fucking coward!_

,,That's it?!" he starts to laugh and I see he's relieved.

,,Yea..." I can't talk much. It's all lies anyway. I mean, ofc I love him and miss him but that's not exactly what I wanted to say, is it. But I can't. I can't bring such pain upon him. I can't see those beautiful eyes hurt like that. No... no way... 

,,Idiot," he rolls his eyes. ,,But my idiot. I love you too," he continues.

And that's how we spent the rest of the night. I didn't talk. I pretended to be sooo interested in the movies we saw. Frankly, I don't even know what they were about. I did put all my energy to hold back tears.


	13. Chapter 13

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, I guess we need some warnings here: suicidal thoughts, abuse, violence, depression  
> Yep, this chapter is kinda heavy. Sorry about that... 
> 
> And also sorry it took me so long to upload it. I have it done for nearly two months but you know... life.

Paul went to school early in the morning. Normally I'd wake up with him, have breakfast and then went back to bed but today I just stayed in bed pretending I'm deeply asleep. Truth is I didn't sleep well. Surprisingly, I know. I'm just lucky Paul is always half dead when asleep. Seriously, I think they could fire a gun next to his head and he wouldn't even flinch. Chris is better company when I have nightmares. He also sleeps badly so if my breathing gets faster or if I'm just moving too much, he wakes up and calms me down.

Normally just the idea of Paul being next to me is enough to avoid nightmares. It's enough to make me relaxed. Not the case now tho, is it. _What if he wakes up? What if he wants to fuck? What if he will be curious why I sleep in a shirt? What if, what if, what if...._ My head is killing me.

I really need to get my shit back together. Or maybe not. Maybe I'll let it be and see how far it will go. My small mental experiment. Guess that wouldn't be very healthy. But then again, cheating on your partner is not healthy either. It's not like I planned it tho. It just happened.

I turn my head towards the bar. _Good idea._ I pour myself a drink and go back to bed. Surely I could do more than that but I’m kinda not in the mood. Maybe I'll go to the gym later. Maybe. I could take my drinks outside but... I’m not in the mood for sun, so. I'll just stay here with my blinders down. I don’t deserve any better. Actually, I should maybe go somewhere hideous. Somewhere where I belong. This fancy room is way too generous for someone like me.

It's not just about Till, you know. My whole existence is one big joke. I'm a joke. And disappointment to everyone. My parents definitely had different plans for me. I was suppose to find a wife, have kids, run the company... but nooo, I'd make that too easy for them, right? I turned out to be a careless faggot. I mean, I could still be with some sugar daddy but I wouldn’t go with someone like that. I explained to my parents that I’m not much into contract marriages.

Then we have Chris. Dunno why but we're definitely not as close as we used to. I guess I did something. I disappointed him. I had to somehow, right? Then there's Till. Someone I loved but couldn’t keep up. Means another failure on my side.

Then there are my friends... what friends? I don’t have friends. Who did stop by at the hospital? None of them. Who did care? None of them. Only Paul.... always Paul. So then we have Paul whom I disappointed the most. He doesn’t know yet but he will learn the truth soon. Or maybe not. I couldn’t tell him yesterday and I’m pretty sure I won’t tell him the next day either. I just can’t say something like that to someone as sweet as him. It was not his fault. Not in the slightest. All me. Why should he carry such pain when it was me who caused it? No, I won’t tell him. I'll rather let it eat me alive.

I feel sick from the stomach and realize I drank nearly half of the bottle. With no food. That explains it. I wont eat tho. I don’t need food.

....

Days are passing by, slowly turning into weeks. Paul sees something's going on but he doesn’t know what it is. He only tries to make me feel better which actually makes me feel worse. _If you only knew, Paulchen._ I'm lucky he's so much into studies to prove his point. I don't even care anymore. Actually right now I'm happy cuz he doesn't have much time. I don't wanna see anyone. Chris was trying to get me out to different parties but I never went. Not after what happened at the last one.

You know what's the worst? I often dream about it. And I often try to remind myself even when awake. Not to torture myself but to make me feel good. I truly slowly start to understand I like the way he fucks. With everything that comes along. The pain and shame. I know it's bad but I miss it. I'm craving for more. And I know I can't get that from Paul. He's not like that. He likes when I'm playing rough but he's not a sadist. Obviously. I never thought I'd be a masochist but Till proved me wrong. Actually, we're quite self-destructing species as it is. We tend to remember mostly the bad things. They keep coming back. Sure, sometimes you remember something nice but u see, that's just SOMETIMES.

Paul should come today. I have to stop drinking. I've already had enough for him to notice and I'm really in no mood for lectures. Well, he doesn’t give me lectures. He just tries to understand why. And what's wrong. And that really makes me drink more. 

_,,Reesh, you lost so much weight…”_ he said one afternoon. Did I? I don’t know. I didn’t check.

...

As more weeks flow by I think I reached the rock bottom. I dunno what to do, who to see, what to talk about... I just... I just am. I got into a dark place from which I don’t see a way out. 

A week ago Paul wanted to fuck. And I was really not feeling like it. But somehow we did and it was so empty I can't even begin to describe. Don't get me wrong, I love him. I truly do. He's sunshine and even when I'm like this, he's still here. He didn't tell me to fuck off. I would long ago. But I just... I dunno how to cope with what's going on in my head.

I am a worthless existence.

You know what's weird? Till didn't call, nor text nor showed up since the party. Nothing. Literally nothing. Normally he would bombard me with messages to remind me I cheated. With him. To make me feel bad. And now nothing. Is that also part of his plan? Cuz it does make me wonder... And the more I think about it, the more I think about him, the more I wanna do it again. I wanna feel him behind me.

...

Another morning, another day to waste. I get up around 11am and immediately go to the bar. Nothing better than whiskey in the morning. No texts on my phone, no calls... _Well Richard, no one cares._ I decide to dress up this time. I'll go out. I’ma have a chat with Till _._ Alone. No bodyguards. _Suicide mission? Maybe_. I just wanna talk to him about what happened. _You just wanna get fucked._ Well… yea. But maybe that won’t happen. Who knows. Maybe we’ll just have a chat, you know. Glass of wine and talk like adults. _Liar._ _You know you’re not going there to talk._

I spent all afternoon convincing myself that I really just wanna talk to him. While drinking, of course. I was walking in my room back and forth having conversations in my head. I came up with like five possible scenarios. All ended with a handshake and me leaving. And I know I’m totally lying to myself. I won’t fucking leave. Just the thought of him next to me with a glass of wine makes it impossible to get up and go home. IF he won’t want to see me then maybe. IF he throws me out then maybe. But if we will have that talk and he will be friendly, I ain’t leaving. That’s for sure.

_Inner devil’s voice: Who are you kidding with your talk?! You don’t go there to talk._

_Me: Ahh, shut up._

_Inner devil’s voice:_ _Nope, I’m gonna set something straight here – u go cuz u want to see him. You go cuz you want him to fuck you._

,,I said shut up!” I actually scream this one loud. To an empty room. You’re losing your shit, Richard.  


_Me: Fine, maybe I go cuz I want him._

_Devil’s voice: Well duuuuh._   


It’s nearly 7pm. Glass of whiskey, line of coke, I’m good to go.

….

,,U back for more, aren’t u.” 

I nod.  

,,Well, come on in then!” Till opens the door.

I walk pass the door and see a weird skinny guy with glasses. Before I know it Till pins me on the door closing it. As always, I look at the wood. _Why does he never let me look at him?_

,,Well Reesh, we gonna play it my way this time.” 

I nod again. Of course. I didn’t expect him to be nice. I also didn’t expect anyone to be here and I didn’t expect he would bend me over right after I walk pass the doorframe…

,,It’s gonna hurt, Reesh. Cuz ur a pretty bad boy who deserves to be treated this way. And since your brother is not paying I don’t have any reasons to be nice to you...”

,,What? What do you mean?” I’m confused.  

,,Not the time to ask questions,” he says and twists my arm. I cry out a bit. 

,,Did it huuuurt, Reesh?” 

I shake my head. He takes off his pants and mine too. I try to look at the guy in the room but I see nothing. Only door and wall next to it. 

,,That’s my friend Flake. He always enjoys good show,” Till explains and shoves his dick deep inside of me. 

Now I cry out loud from real overwhelming pain. I clenched my fists and shut down my eyes hard. 

,,Ohhhh, did this huuuurt, my pretty boy?” 

I can’t move. But I try to shake my head.

,,No? So you won’t run to your brother crying how I’m hurting you?” he spits and pulls out a bit.

,,What? I… I never did,” I hardly manage to say. It just shocked me so much I had to defend myself. 

,,Don’t lie to me, whore! Do you know how many beatings I got from your brother?! Way too many, if you ask me!” he says and starts to thrust. 

I can’t focus. The pain is still unbearable. But I somehow I like it. I like how it hurts cuz I know I deserve it. I came here for pain and I got it. Plus his strong grip… He can do whatever he wants. I’m desperately trying to relax the muscles there. I’m trying to get at least some pleasure.

He starts to choke me and bites my shoulder. Hard. 

,,Ups, you’re bleeding. My bad...” he says and bites me again. Harder. “Look! It happened again!” 

I let out a cry without even controlling it.

,,Tell me, Reesh. Do you like how it hurts?”

I nod. I can’t breathe. His grip on my neck is deadly. 

,,I said TELL!” he scratches my stomach so hard I’m sure few drops of blood might appear there as well. 

I try to say something but I seriously can’t. 

,,Oh look at you. Can’t even answer me. I bet you would answer to your boyfriend, wouldn’t you,” he spits at me. 

My boyfriend.. my Paul... what the heck am I doing again? I try to stop this. 

,,Oh no, too late. You came here to have a ride. Like a slut. So you’re getting one. Like a slut.”

The worst is, I can’t think anymore. He’s mixing pain and pleasure and I can’t focus. It seems that’s exactly what I want tho. What I need. Because I’m fucked up. 

,,So tell me, Reesh, do you like this? Do you like being fucked while I’m causing you pain?” he asks again with pauses to breath. He’s getting close. No wonder, if he got blood and my tight unprepared ass, it couldn't take long. I’m hard but nowhere close yet. He removed his hand so I can breath. And talk. 

“Yes,” I manage.

“Try again.”

“Yes, Till.” 

“Try again,” he raises his voice and grabs my cock. 

What am I suppose to say? I really can’t think. My head is failing me. Now especially when his hand started to move on my tender flesh. 

“Come on, Reesh. We learned this.” 

“Yes, sir,” I remembered.  

“That’s a good boy! I’ve always wanted to hear some rich fuckboy that thinks he’s better than everyone else, to call me sir,” he replies amused. “Especially when I’m balls deep in his ass” and he fasten the pace for his orgasm to come. 

When it happens he fills me with his hot semen and collapses on me. After a while he tugs himself and turns me to face him.  

“You didn’t come, Reesh?” he looks at my hard on.  

,,No.” His face is completely cold, everything hurts me and my balls are blue. 

,,Well, I always say I take care of you, don’t I,” he says and starts to pleasure me with his hand. I gotta say I’d be happier for his mouth but I guess I’d be asking for too much. Sluts don’t get blowjobs, do they. They should be happy to actually reach orgasm somehow. 

I’m watching his blank expression and I wanna cry cuz of his emotionless attitude. He knows what he’s doing tho. I’m getting close. I guess the room could be filled with spiders and he would make me cum. Which he did. And when I came he punched me in the face at the exact moment. ,,I hate that ugly face.” _What? I thought I’m your pretty boy..._

With that he opens the door and throws me out. My pants are low and there’s nothing I could hold on to. I just put my arm in front of me not to fall directly on my face. It’s still a very heavy fall and I think the arm broke.

,,Look at you. You’re a pathetic little whore,” he says and closes the door.

I lay on the sidewalk half naked in my own cum and Till’s dripping from my ass. I can’t move. I just don’t have the strength... I wanna die. Right now. Please god, kill me. 

After minutes when nothing happened I finally get myself up and call the driver. Can’t walk, don’t want to walk. Even calling a taxi seems like an awful task. I just wanna get home. 

...

I get out when the car stops in the garage. I told the driver to park with me cuz no one will see me in the elevator to the house. If I jumped out in front, I might meet someone. And I really don’t want to. I’m not bringing any pain to anyone else anymore. 

I get to my room, lock the door and head towards the bathroom. I need a bath. 

I start running water into my hot tub. It’s amazingly warm.

I look in the mirror. My clothes is dirty. My jaw scratched. My cheek is swollen and eye is starting to get colors. My neck has bites and marks from Till’s hand. My belly has huge scratch. My arm hurts, I really think it’s broken. ,,Hey, we have that in common” I say to the man in the mirror. My ass hurt incredibly. It got sore and painful. But nothing hurts as much as my chest. I can’t explain. I dunno where it came from or what it is. It’s been there for a while and it can’t go away. It comes with a dark cloud around my head. It hurts. It hurts real bad. 

,,You’re done, Richard. You’re officially a failure. You disgusted even Till. You have no friends to begin with, you disappointed everyone in your life. Your parents, your brother, probably Till... and ofc, Paul. Even tho he doesn’t know how much, you disappointed him the most. You. Are. Pathetic.”

That’s it. You have no place here. You don’t deserve to live. Everyone will be better on their own without your bullshit.

I need to make sure I won’t hurt Paul. He would break into pieces. I need to explain to him. I mean, I can’t explain the whole story but I can make sure he will hate me instead of missing me. 

I want to write it onto the steamy mirror. It’s massive so there’s a lot of place and I know they will look at every detail. The whole bathroom is filled with steam from my bath. But I know that won’t last. I find a black lipstick I used for Halloween last year and write on the glass:

“I cheated, Paulchen. I hope this will make it easier for you.”

_I love you_

There’s so much more I’d like to tell him. But this is all he needs to know. I’m sure he would be the only one who would miss me. After he’ll read this I’m sure he won’t _. I don’t want to hurt you Paul. I know this will hurt but I guess it won’t be as bad as your dead beloved boyfriend. You wouldn’t understand why. And you still won’t cuz this is not the reason but... At least you’ll hate me so you won’t be sad._

I slowly remove my clothes. Every move aches. I get my razor blades and walk towards the bath. 

When the water consumes me and I relax (as much as that’s possible considering how all those scratches and bites burn) I start to think. _Do I really want to do this? Let’s see. Parents don’t care, Chris hates me, Till hates me, Paul will hate me... I don’t have a job and I’m sure I couldn’t keep one. I paid my diplomas. I feel so lonely most of the time. I’m depressed. I just want all the pain to go away. I’m a burden to everyone. They will definitely be better off without me. So, yes._

....

Meanwhile at Till’s:

 

,,Who was it?” Flake asks. 

,,That? Just my boy toy. U know, I like the kid. But he needs to learn some manners. I’m not a number two!”

,,He looked pretty bad, Till. I don’t know him but he seemed like someone who is not very happy at the moment. He looked really good beneath that but you gotta look at the surface in this case.”

,,Ohhh, he is handsome. I love fucking him. And he’s rich as fuck. It’s a win win. But he needed a lesson.”

,,I think you were quite harsh on him...”

,,Maybe.”

I know I was. But I got mad. I realized I somehow miss him. And then he walks here and expects what?! If he broke up with that little idiot, he would tell me. I’d be the first one to know. So that obviously didn’t happen. He just wanted to… I don’t even know what he wanted to! _Hug?_ _Yea right, for that he has his stupid boyfriend_. He just wanted to fuck. So he got that. My way. 

,,Maybe? Man, if you’d do this to me I’d feel like trash.”

,,That was the point.” 

But then again, he can do stupid things. He already did back then when he decided to drive after drinking way too much. And Flake is right he didn’t really have the usual smirk on his face. Damn, this kid will drive me insane! I’ll rather text Chris. 

….

Chris’ P.O.V.

 

,, **Fyi: your baby brother was here to get fucked. So I did that. He didn’t look very happy tho. Maybe he’ll play a little drama queen** ”

,,What the fuck?!” I say out loud after reading the text from Till. 

,,What’s going on?” Oliver asks me.

,,I gotta go.” 

,,Where? Man, you just came. You were supposed to stay.”

,,Yea I know. I’m sorry. I call tomorrow,” I reply to my friend and walk out texting Richard.

Luckily I have my car and I didn’t drink much, I can get home quickly. _Well, if by quickly you mean about half hour._ I start driving and I kinda ignore all speed limits.  

“Little drama queen” is never good in Richard’s case. That’s actually a real understatement. Reesh does stupid things. It’s known. Drinks too much, takes too much coke... and last time even drove after all this. Normally I wouldn't be freaking out but I know he’s fighting inside with himself. He lost weight, he looks like crap, he doesn’t talk… He didn’t tell Paul about Till which is the first surprising thing. And now he went to see Till? He loves Paul! That’s why I came up with my plan. It was suppose to go way differently, tho. My brother is not happy. I mean, ofc you’re not happy after u cheat but he always was happy with Paul. Laughing and shit. U could see it even in his eyes. But now when he’s with him he’s mostly silent. They watch a movie and go to sleep. I don’t even think they fuck anymore. Which is good. But now when Paul’s not around he barely leaves his room... he doesn’t go to gym, he drinks on daily bases, he doesn’t care. I really started to worry about him. I’ve seen him before like this and it wasn’t pretty. He was even visiting a psychiatrist. But of course, he stopped cuz of “what if’s”... _what if someone will find out, what if she will tell someone... what if... bla bla bla._ He somehow got out of it but I think she did help a lot while he let her. And frankly, it wasn’t half as bad as it is now. He got into really heavy depression and I have no clue what to do. I thought Paul will help but he’s clueless as well. I know he’s trying really hard but nothing works. At least he didn’t leave. I gotta give the man some credits. Reesh is still in that dark place tho and I dunno what to do. How to help.

So now? When he’s in that state of mind and Till was being Till? I better be home soon. He might choke on his own vomit after drinking too much and falling asleep. 

I see blue lights behind me and realize it’s police. And of course they want me to pull over. _Fuck! I really don’t have time for this! Shit._ I pull down the window and wait.

,,Good evening, sir.” 

,,Good evening, officer.”

,,Do you realize there is a speed limit here?” 

,,Shit. I am so sorry, officer. My brother got in trouble so I wasn’t paying attention. My bad.”

Always better to play nice. Especially when you had some drinks...

,,You might also get in trouble! You drove double the speed!”

,,I am so sorry. I promise it won’t happen again.”

,,You bet it won’t. I do have to give you fine for over speed.”

,,Yes, of course.”

,,Also, show me your driving license and papers.”

Man, seriously, I DON’T have time! 

,,Here you go, officer.”

I am lucky this one doesn’t have a problem with a young man in brand new Maserati. Sometimes they give you drug tests just cuz of that. And alcohol tester is essential.

He’s really slow going with the papers tho. His tempo will probably kill me. 

,,Is everything alright, officer? Can I go now? I really need to get home and I don’t want to cross any speed limits anymore.” 

,,You better. Everything seems alright. Here is the fine and your papers.”

,,Thank you.”

,,Just one thing...”

WHAT?! 

,,Yes?” 

,,I hope you don’t drive under any alcohol influence. Or worse, any forbidden substances.”  

,,No, of course not, officer! Can I please go to check up on my brother?”

,,Alright, I’ll let you go this time. Make sure to pay the fine!”

,,I will! Thank you, officer!”

Fucking asshole!! This cost me 20 minutes at least and now I can’t over speed. Not risking they would stop me again. 

I was lucky with this guy, it surely won’t happen again. 

I check my phone to see no text from Reesh and I really wanna hit the gas. I can’t tho. Just a little bit. I truly hope I’m freaking out for no reason but I rather see he’s safe and sound than be sorry later. I don’t have a good feeling about this. 

...  
  


When I finally get home I run straight to his room and I’m hoping he’s there. I forgot he might not be at home at all. Fuck!

The door is locked. What the heck? He never locks his room. Do we have a spare key? I’m sure somewhere yes but I don’t have time to fucking look for it. Now I’m starting to panic. 

,,Richard! Richard, answer me!”

Nothing. He would answer if he was just jacking off. 

,,Richard!!!” I scream again and try to break the door this time.

Still nothing. And I’m freaking out. I dunno where I got the strength to break the door but I did. I’m in. Quick look over the room, bed, sofa, terrace... ,,RICHARD!” I shout again. I notice the light in the bathroom and for a second I’m relieved. That idiot just listens to music while having a bath! I’m about to scream my lungs at him for his stupidity when I open the door and my heart breaks...  

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So.... the last chapter is on you, guys. There are two possible scenarios: he dies/he lives.
> 
> All up to you. Tell me whether you want me to kill him or not. I'm voting for kill, Kvalik votes for life (she knows what would follow :D ). If you remain silent, he's going to die as that's my vote and guess what - Im writing so I have super powers.


End file.
